The Brochure on Love, Loss, and the Legacy of a Beloved Horse Named Dallas

Today I'm going to talk about a tremendous loss that my husband and I suffered last week. On March 17th, our horse, Dallas, passed away suddenly. Now I'm going to forego the usual perky intro and outro music and just talk to you briefly about what's going on. Last week that day, I had been working on the episode that I was going to post last week on Tuesday, and I had just finished recording it and was going to start editing it when I received a call from the man who was Dallas's caretaker.

Alfonso is a great guy and had taken great care of our horse. One thing that I appreciated about him was that he was always very calm in any situation and never exaggerated anything that was going on. When I picked up the phone, I saw who was calling. I picked up the phone and he told me that Dallas wasn't good. After a few questions on my part, he said that I should call the vet. I should say that anytime anybody has in the past alerted me to any problem with Dallas, I would instantly be on edge and be worried, but this time was a little bit different, of course. Every time I was worried, I reached out and left a message for our vet on call, and she called me back quickly and asked me if I wanted to go out first and assess the situation and then call her back to see if it was necessary that she make the trip. I told her that Alfonso never usually said call the vet unless something was really wrong. So I asked her to start packing up and drive over. She was much further away than we are. I'm not going to go into great detail so you don't have to worry about any excruciating details. But what I will say is that when you have a horse for any length of time and we had Dallas for almost 23 years what I've learned from watching other owners and horses in the same situation is that you learn that anything can happen at any time an emergency, and things can happen very quickly and you can lose your horse very quickly as a result.

This is what happened with Dallas. I'm not exactly sure of what the problem was. Our vet thought that it was heart failure. He had fluid in one of his lungs and he was obviously struggling to breathe and because of his age, there was really nothing that we could do. The closest hospital, I believe, is about 40 miles away and it was doubtful that he would even make the trip. But once there we didn't really know what they could do for him. We made the decision quickly to put him out of his well, you know, to help him to pass. I'm grateful that my husband was there and helped support the decision.

Dallas was very special to me and he was an is part of my heart. After he passed away I laid with him crying and I told one of my friends who was there with us that I didn't know how to be if I wasn't Dallas's mom anymore. And she looked at me and she said you'll always be Dallas's mom. These days since and I'm sure the coming days for many, many months ahead will be difficult for me especially I spent most every day the last 23 years with him. In the last year, since my knee surgery, I had fallen off that schedule a little bit, but I still saw a majority of the days every week and of course I thought about him every day.

The thing about a horse for those of you that don't have horses or haven't been around horses is that they're very spiritual animals and they really know you better than you know yourself. I've had dogs, I've had cats a cat now, one cat, two cats, I guess, if you include Walter and I've had bunnies and all animals are so special and they give so much and they make our lives so rich. But a horse, a horse is something so special and Dallas was one of those horses. I was thinking about the animals in my life that have been extra special and extra hard to get over, and I think he's one of those cases for me. I mean, I had him a third of my life and that's a difficult thing to get over. I was thinking recently that my boss, ruth, had passed away. Her third anniversary of her passing is coming up in a couple days here and I was thinking about when she passed away suddenly on vacation, that event, how that changed my life. And now I look at Dallas's passing and how this has changed my life or how it will change my life.

I don't really know, because it's not just about the animal, it's about the routine, it's about going to the barn, it's about the people that you know, it's about the whole community and it seems too early for us to make a decision if we'll get another horse. Certainly, if I got another horse now, I wouldn't probably have him as long as I've had Dallas. So I just had my birthday yesterday, and I knew that when all this occurred with Dallas, that my birthday this year was really going to suck. I usually try to make my birthday special for myself. I try to make it a day that I celebrate myself, I treat myself and I make it a really special and fun day, and this year it just wasn't that.

You know, I've always been very good at grieving, I think, and I've helped my friends who have suffered loss to grieve, and now I feel like I've forgotten how to grieve and I feel challenged by it and I feel kind of numb and empty, and I know that that's part of the loss, and so I ask that everybody I'm not sure what I'm going to do with. Well, I just asked that everybody be patient with me. I probably will be talking about grieving in the coming weeks. Maybe that will help you too. Maybe it'll be something you'll want to skip over. Loss is a big part of life, though, and especially as you get older, you suffer, I think, more and more really sizable or tremendous loss.

I look back to 2016, when the waves of loss in my life really started, and it's something that we have to process. It's something that I'm going to have to process. It's something that my husband and I are helping each other process. So many of our friends have reached out to us. Our friends, our neighbors, our family, such as it is mostly my husband's family, because I have hardly anyone left. I have a cousin, but again, my friends are my family and just provided their support.

We still have our little dog, Brownie, who would cry with me if she could, but she's provided me with many of her little doggie hugs. I mean literally she will hug me, our cat. They both know that something's wrong. They're here to provide their emotional support. So that's where I'm at. I've tried to keep myself busy this week and keeping myself busy has helped to alleviate some of the uncomfortable feelings for a time, but then, when I'm not distracted and not busy, it all comes back. So that's where I am. Thank you for listening, thank you for being part of the only child diaries. This is just what life is right, and next week I'll be back to share with you how we're doing and what we're doing. And until then I hope you'll be well and take care and I hope you'll join me next week.