The Brochure on Continuing Grief: Struggling Through Some Tough Days

Today I'm going to continue with my saga, my journey of grief over the loss of Dallas, my horse, and also. Welcome to the Only Child Diaries. I'm again not using the intro and outro music. I feel like it's too perky and not appropriate for my subject matter. I didn't really know what I was going to talk to you about today, and today I'm feeling pretty good, but yesterday, if I had been up against a deadline yesterday to talk to you, it would have been a real train wreck because yesterday was not a good day for me.

I finally looked at the calendar today and it's been I guess it's been seven weeks today since we lost Dallas suddenly and we're going into week eight tomorrow and I guess that is a little bit of progress, if you will, because I haven't even been able to look at the calendar in many weeks since the beginning I knew what it was it's one week, two weeks, three weeks but after that I was kind of lost because it was too painful to think about. I mean, even though in a way it's only been seven weeks, it feels like it's been seven years or 70 years since I've seen him. I look at pictures of him. I have his photo on my screensaver on my phone and so I see him multiple times every day and it feels like a dream, like I never even had him. I know that's not true, but it's such an odd feeling. Anyway, so yesterday was just not a good day, not a good day and it kind of surprised me because I've been doing, you know, I guess, better in many ways. I mean, I have my moments, but yesterday the whole day was like a train wreck, just a screeching, squealing, smoking, fiery ball of a train wreck.

I had to go over and get our prescriptions and our pharmacy that we've used at least I guess the main one is about three blocks from the barn and, yes, I've thought about transferring it over to something closer here. But I thought, well, you know, it's a way to stay connected and you know it's not that far. I have friends over there and you know blah, blah, blah. And so three or four of our prescriptions came up. So I thought, okay, you know, I'm going to gather my courage and drive over there, because it's been hard to even. You know, we went over to see the stall two or three weeks after Dallas passed away, see the flowers, and then I went over one day to return some grain that I had just bought and that was so much more difficult than I thought it was going to be. That turned out to be. You know, that was like come home, go in a dark room, pull the sheets over your head and roll up in a ball and cry all day, although I mean, that's not what I did, but that's how I felt. So this, this, you know I went over there and I was. You know there's a lot of horse people in the area too. I only saw one person, but she didn't say anything. So that was already hard. And then I was going to go over and see the grain, some more of the different, another phase of the grain to give to the man who took care of our horse during the day.

I've been trying to find homes for the supplies that I've had, to find homes for the supplies that I've had, and it's been a little challenging as well, because every time I asked somebody to you know if they wanted this bag or that, you know, supplement or this it's, I've had to kind of gather again, gather my courage, feel strong and ask them, and you know I got turned down as, oh, we don't use that, or, you know we don't want that or whatever. And so then I'd have to kind of wait and gather my courage again, and just emotionally very difficult. We went out to the animal shelter when we saw the horses that were up for adoption. I asked out there because I thought this would be a perfect match. They could probably use the stuff Because the bags were open, stuff that I had used. They were not interested in taking the supplies, which I totally understand. So anyway, I found a home for some of the items that I had, and my friend Natalie was going to take them over and give them to Alfonso. So that was already kind of hard as well.

That was the second layer of difficulty for me yesterday. And then the third thing was that when we went to see the flowers in the stall, I took a framed photo that I had of Dallas in a beautiful green frame, and it was a cute picture of his face mugging for the camera, and I knew that if I left it there there was a chance that somebody could take it, you know, and I had to be okay with that. And I told myself that I was okay with that and I, you know, I sat down with myself, right and I asked myself are you okay if you lose this? And and I was because I'd already suffered so much loss and I had asked Alfonso a while ago and he said yes, the photo was there. So I asked again today, yesterday, and he said no, it's not there. And I was instantly devastated. It was just, it was too much for me to bear.

So I drove over to my friend's house crying. I was just like you know it was, it was kind of ugly crying. I could have cried a lot worse, but I it was. I tried to hold it Anyway. So, uh, and I felt bad because she's lost one of her cats this week to kidney disease and is probably going to lose the other one, and I wanted to be supportive of her. But I was just a big bleeding open wound. I mean, poor Sultanate, I was just a big bleeding, weeping mess and there's nothing I could do about it. I mean, I was just so miserable and so sad and I felt like I just lost him all over again a couple hundred times yesterday and there's nothing I could do. No one really could have consoled me anyway.

So I found out at the end of the day, the end of the night that this other young man who helped me take care of Dallas at night sometimes had taken the photo and the frame for safekeeping. And also there's a small box which is a present from one of my stall neighbors and he had taken that and stashed it in a safe place. And I'll tell you that in my mind, in the best of all possible worlds, this is what I hoped somebody would do for me. I hoped that somebody would look at this picture because I guess the people that cleaned the stalls, somebody had gone in and taken the flowers and moved them around and put them in the corner or whatever, because some of them have died. And I wish that somebody would have looked at this picture and looked at the present and said you know what? These things are going to be important to Tracy and I am going to keep them safe for her because I know she's already suffered enough and she would be sad if they were gone, and so I'm going to keep them safe for her.

That is what was in my mind and I didn't go so far as to ask anyone because you know, you just get tired of asking for help, right? I get tired of asking for help and I hope that people would just, I guess, read my mind, because no one ever reads my mind and I don't know why I would even think that. But I do a lot for people and I sometimes I just I just wish that and hope that people will do something for me. And this time somebody did, and they did exactly what I wanted them to do, except they didn't tell me about it. And so when I found out and I, I guess I tried to think that somebody was going to come through and would have said I did that for you, which is what turned out anyway. So all is well that ends well, I guess, as the saying goes.

And I had texted another friend who she's lost four horses in her lifetime and I know each one of them has been hard on her and she texted me back some comforting words. There's really nothing that you can say that will take away the crappy feeling that you have. But I guess the way that I felt so bad yesterday was long time and it was so extreme and it was so emotional. And you know, I realized I just have to be easy on myself, right, I have to be easy and I have to be gentle with my grief and I have to say, well, this is just going to happen sometimes. So there's that, and it hurts me when people around me are having some of this, you know, other issues of loss in their own lives. I just I'm too empathetic and I'm also surprised because I have suffered so much loss in my life and this one is really rough.

I had such a bond with Dallas and I think back to when my friend Gina passed away and that's coming up. We're coming up on six years. She passed away May 21st, so her anniversary is coming up. Her birthday was May 8th and that would be this coming week, and her birthday and my birthday were always big celebratory events in our friendship. We often went to Disneyland to celebrate in our younger years and they were just. You know, our birthdays were epic and so, but our birthdays I know her birthday meant a lot to me because our friendship meant a lot to me and she meant a lot to me, and so her birthday was very special to me and and I know she felt the same way about me, and so that loss was also very significant.

But I had, you know, that period of time between when she was diagnosed and when she passed away it was almost a month and I had that time to kind of prepare myself and I grieved during that time and I knew that she was going to pass. And with Dallas it just happened. I was thinking last night it happened within two hours that we got the call and he was gone and that's. I don't know what's the better way. I mean there's no good way, right, but what's the better way?

Anyway, the journey of grief is a marathon.

It's not a sprint and I know that there'll be other, you know, bad days coming and I just have to ride them out and try to, you know, try to be easy on myself and I look at you know what's good. You know, my job is very positive, the people that I'm working with are very positive and it's all very upbeat and that creates a very good distraction for me and I'm very grateful for that because if I had to sit around and be on my own, let's face it, I'd be in trouble, too much thinking, but anyway, that's where that is. So, you know, and I've been gardening a lot I've just been, I haven't had a lot of time, but I've been out in the yard as much as I can and trying to ground myself in that regard. So I guess that's all I've got for today.

Folks, I hope that if you're going through your own journey of grief and loss, that you'll be easy on yourself as well and next week tackle another topic together. I'm not sure if it will be about loss, but perhaps I'll find something to talk about in memory of Gina and some of the fun times that we used to have. But until then, be well and hope you'll join me next week.