Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                00:02

At first glance or listen, you might think this episode is not for you.  Or maybe not at this time, but I suggest that is not the case.  Yes, it’s an interview with author Star Bradbury about her book, “Successfully Navigating Your Parents’ Senior Years,” but it’s really so much more.  The information she presents in her book, and that we discuss here can be applied to anyone as they age.  And you don’t have to be old to think about some of these issues.  Really, it’s never too early to have a plan for your life, and your wishes.  This I learned when my best friend of 32 years, Gina, died in her late 50s.  She was diagnosed and passed in less than a month, and during that time she was unable to really make any decisions for herself.  For all intents and purposes, she had several more decades left, if it were not for the cancer.  We all were left to guess and do our best to navigate what we thought would be her wishes.  And we were left with a lot of loose ends.  But this book is not just about death, and final arrangements.  It’s so much more.  As well, this book is not just for adult children with parents, it’s for adults who have really any other adults in their lives they care about.  For us only children, some of whom have no children of our own, like me, there are also resources we might need to access to care for ourselves.  I suggest if you’re not ready for it today, you keep it in mind for a time when you are.  But as always, I approached this interview with light and the usual humor, as appropriate, as did Star.  I hope you find it useful in your own life. It’s definitely one of The Brochures that we all need.  

                                                                                                                        02:18

Welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast. I'm your host, Tracy Wallace. Have you ever felt like you didn't receive the how-to brochure on life, that you didn't get enough guidance about major life issues? So did I. You don't have to be an only child to feel this way. In my podcast, we'll explore some of the best ways to better navigate adult it, while doing so with humor and light. Welcome everyone to the Only Child Diaries podcast.

                                                                                                                        02:48

Today I'm talking to Star Bradbury, aging life care specialist, who is founder and CEO of Senior Living Strategies. Star has helped thousands of families make educated and informed decisions as they navigate the world of senior living and senior health care. She has 25 years of experience in the industry and is an aging life care expert. She specializes in developing resilient and flexible plans that promote independence and focuses on optimal quality of life for elders. Now she's written a book, “Successfully Navigating Your Parents’ Senior Years.” No matter your parents' age or stage of life – I can't stress this enough – this is really a comprehensive guide that walks you through step by step to develop a proactive plan for your parents' well-being and your own. Welcome, Star Bradbury, to the Only Child Diaries podcast. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              04:11

Thank you. Thank you, Tracy. I'm excited to be here and share my message of being prepared ahead of a crisis. Yeah, I’m really happy to be here. Thank you.  

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                04:25

Well great. We're happy to have you. Now I've read the book and I think it is a great guide. I wish that I had had this book, especially when I started going through some issues with my parents' health, but of course, even before then it would have been a great resource for me and a lot of my friends who have gone through this or are getting ready to go through the really tough years with their parents. But tell me now, why did you write this book and who do you think it's for? 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              05:07

That is a great question. I wrote the book because I had 25 years in senior living and over and over again, I saw stressed out families trying to make really critical decisions without the education or being informed, in a hurry or in a crisis.  And so they often chose let's just call it the path of least resistance, which may or may not have been truly the right decision to make, not only for their parents, but even for themselves. One of the things that I try to stress in the book is that it's not if your parents are going to need help. Stress IF. It is WHEN. It is when your parents are going to need help. 

                                                                                                                        05:53

I mean, just stop and ask yourself how many people do you know where their parents just die in their sleep peacefully, no crisis, no health issues, and everything is perfect right up till the end? Well, that's a fairy tale. That is just not how it goes down. And if you're one of those people who says, well, that's how I lost my parents, you probably already know that's unique. That is not what you should plan on or expect. Just feel that people needed an education before the crisis. There's so much you can do, Tracy. My book breaks down literally with checklists things you could do way ahead of a crisis or any health issue whatsoever. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                06:41

Yeah. Yeah. It's not only well written, it's well organized, I think. 

Star Bradbury

Thank you. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         

You can find say you're not really to the critical point yet I think you can find the information that you're interested in and look at that, like the will or the advanced directive information or anything really.  I think it's really great. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              07:05

The book is broken down into four sections and part one is developing a plan and really walks you through even how to have a conversation. Because so many people I talk to say, “I don't even know how to begin a conversation with my parents,” or they ask me this, “When? When should I start talking to my parents about their plan?” Let's just use a catchphrase that I like, their plan to age successfully, and hopefully your parents are thinking about what their life might be like or what kind of plans could they put in place, even before official retirement. Much less 70 or 80, where they're looking ahead and saying I wonder whether I should age in place, which means staying in your home. Or I wonder if I should move closer to one of my adult kids to make it easier for both of us. Or I wonder if I should move into that awesome retirement community in my own hometown so I can stay where my friends and my support team is, or my medical care. 

                                                                                                                        08:09

There's a lot of things to really think about and evaluate. So part one is all about starting those conversations and the questions to ask, of yourself really or with your parents. But the ideal time is to start these conversations early 60s. And people go, really, that's young.  Yeah, really! To build up a habit, Tracy, of communicating. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                08:40

Yeah, for a lot of people it's a tough question. It's a tough subject. There's going to be resistance, right?

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              08:46

There was some resistance with my father and stepmother, less so because it was such a crisis with my mom and stepdad. But there's a natural resistance. And so that's why I have so much coaching. Literally a list of start with these questions. Really soft, gentle questions that are open-ended, that have no hint of, “I'm telling you what to do.” in them, no hint of,” I don't approve of your plans,” or, “your plans have a lot of holes.” You really have to start with open-ended, like, “Mom, Dad, have you thought about what you want to do after you retire? Have you thought about whether staying in your home is a good idea, with the three staircases and all the bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs?” I wouldn't exactly word it like that. But I really understand the need for a little bit of hand-holding when you begin these conversations. For example, I thought I had this down. 

                                                                                                                        09:55

This was years and years ago, though I did not have the experience I have now. And I sat down. I was very upfront with my father and stepmother and I wanted to know what their plans were and had they planned financially? Did they know about the cost of long-term care? And I have a twin sister. By the time we got home, this was before cell phones. This was a long time ago. We got a nasty letter. I mean back when people wrote letters, we sent them in the mail. I distinctly remember getting a letter from my dad and stepmother, “It's none of your business what our financial situation is and we're not prepared to share that with you.” And I had been way too direct and had not anticipated the resistance. Plus, working with all the families I have for my 24 years in senior living, it would be safer to assume that there will be resistance. And so all the more reason to go in super gentle. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                10:56

Super gentle. Yeah, well, and so your parents divorced and then they both remarried. So you had kind of a double whammy there. You had basically two sets of parents to deal with this issue. Oh my goodness. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              11:13

Here's what I'll say about my dad and my stepmom. Don't get old in New York City. There's a lot of reasons why that's problematic. Number one, transportation. My dad, I swear I would never get in the car with him. First of all, driving in New York City is terrifying, even if you're a good driver. And he was still driving in his 80s. Oh my gosh. I was ready to do everything in my power to try to get the car away from him. Then, accessing healthcare in any big urban environment, it's a challenge. And he passed away. 

                                                                                                                        11:50

He had Parkinson's. I remember calling him up one night and saying, “Hey Daddy, how are you?” I stayed in touch a lot. And he said, “Well, I’m fine, except for the circus people that are in my apartment.” I was like what, the circus people? “They're right here.”  And he proceeded to describe them to me. Well, if you know anything about Parkinson's. I had to learn that lots of people also. This was quite some time ago, but some of the Parkinson's meds can cause hallucinations, and they're very difficult to manage and balance and take them at exactly the right time. They're much, much better now. But I said, “Is my stepmom? Could you put her on the phone?” Like what is he talking about? 

                                                                                                                        12:37

But I learned through experience about a lot of major healthcare situations that are so typical for seniors, and that chapter on here are some things you should know that could happen in the world of your parents as they age. Everything from post-surgical psychosis, how urinary tract infections can cause dementia quickly, all the things that you just wouldn't know. So it's sort of a primer.  Right. It's a pretty big spectrum because it includes when your parents need more help in care, like what if they already are going downhill? What if they already need home care or even assisted living? How do you evaluate that? 

                                                                                                                        13:25

What should you look for? What are the red flags? Here's a checklist. If you were trying to find the perfect assisted living facility, how would you do that? And what educated questions would you ask? If you were trying to vet skilled nursing, how would you go about that? It really is a guide, and I wrote it because I didn't see any other book that really focused on an age spectrum 60 to 90. And did you know the fastest growing demographic in the United States today, Tracy, is 90 to 100?. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                14:04

Wow, I did not know that. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              14:06

I had dinner with a gentleman last night and his mom is 104. Wow. And last week I met with a client 103. It is less and less unusual for me to sit down with people who are 70 something and their parents are alive and they're caring for them, and 100, I know. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                14:27

Oh gosh, it's hard enough just to deal with your own self when you're in your 70s. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              14:36

Can you imagine being 70 and this client of mine was just almost at her wit's end. 104, 103. And I guess you can tell my sense of humor. The good news is people are living longer and longer. And the bad news is people are living longer and longer. And most people are not planning for it either for themselves on any level. Just let's say financially. Most financial planners 10, 15 years ago were planning for people's actuarial expected life. I think for women it's probably about 85, 86, and for men early 80s, late 70s. But if you Google fastest-growing demographic and I'm wondering if that's global, but it is true for the United States. That means that you are making major healthcare decisions for your very aging parent. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                15:36

That's pretty mind-blowing. It is Yeah, when you think about it, because the financial side of it would be scary alone. It would be scary alone. Be overwhelming. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              15:48

Well, Part Four is a prepared exit plan. And that talks about end of life and end of life options and something called slow medicine. Have you heard of that? 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                15:59

Maybe you should go over that for everyone's benefit. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              16:03

Slow medicine is the approach to medical options. I was going to say typically when you're on the older side of life, but I stopped myself because slow medicine could come into play at any time. And that means that you slow down all of the options. Doctors may say, “Mrs. Smith, you were just diagnosed with blah, blah, blah disease, could be cancer, could be heart. And here are your options. You could do this surgery, you could do this treatment, you could have this.” Remember now, doctors are trained to give you options and solutions. And what slow medicine says is, slow the whole process down. Don't assume you should say yes to every option thrown at you. Maybe you don't want to do the chemo, the radiation, maybe you don't want to do that last surgical procedure. Because in the 25 years I've been in senior living I've seen the results of both options. Throw everything at me. I'm going to try everything I possibly can only to spend the last few years you might have in a very poor quality of life. 

                                                                                                                        17:20

And slow medicine says maybe slowing down the process of decision making alone or slowing down the process of not doing everything the medical world has at its fingertips. It's obviously so individual. Is that person ready to pass away? Are they ready to say no, I don't want to do this surgery? It also takes a lot of courage, for either the elder, the senior or their adult children, or working as a team together, to sit down and ask the doctor what are these chances? If it's 5%, Is that worth? How many people come out of this surgery in a healthier state or better state? What's the risk versus the benefits? So there's a whole section on what is slow medicine and how do you approach that with your family. And let's not forget advanced directives. That's the first thing I ask to have your medical paperwork in order and your legal and financial paperwork in order. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                18:32

Even if you're, I guess, in your 20s or 30s. Every time you go to the ER, they ask you if you have an advanced directive. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              18:42

By now, everyone should know what that is and hopefully have one for themselves. Although I am shocked when I sit down with clients in their 80s and that is one of the first questions I bring up, and I've learned not to make assumptions. And one of the coaching I provide in the book is you may have a parent who's really resistant. If someone said what is the most critical document you think should be in place to age successfully, first answer advanced directive, a living will and a healthcare proxy. Advanced directive just means those two documents. Living will is stating your wishes for your end of life treatment when you cannot speak for yourself, and your healthcare proxy is the person doing the speaking for you through both your living will document and having expressed your wishes to that healthcare proxy. 

                                                                                                                        19:35

That person is the person that's going to be your voice in the ER, your voice with a doctor saying yes, my mom does want that treatment, go ahead and put in the feeding tube or absolutely not. Here's her living will. So those documents are absolutely critical. And if you have resistant parents, Tracy, then you do your own. You say I've done mine and I'd like to sit down and talk with you about my end of life wishes. Because, let's face it, anything could happen. Any kind of accident could happen, no matter what age you are. Age is not a predictor of how long you're going to live, as we all know. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                20:25

Yeah, that's for sure. It's interesting. My dad was very proactive in his decisions. He led my mom. They got their estate plan, their advance directive, their wills done. She wasn't so thrilled about that but he said we have to get this done. And his advance directive was that he didn't want any extraordinary measures. Her advance directive was that she wanted all extraordinary measures. Dad got lung cancer and he went very fast. But mom didn't really fully respect or utilize his advance directive because she had Parkinson's and she had some of the dementia that you mentioned. And in fact she held on to those documents very closely like they were a secret from me, being an only child. So that was really difficult to navigate. But dad went really fast. 

                                                                                                                        21:37

And then when mom took her whole body kind of shut down, she had multiple organ system issues all of a sudden. But I knew that she wanted every measure and she did regain some coherency. I was able to ask her, “are you sure you want the permanent feeding tube?” Wow. Because all the doctors were saying well, she had so many kidney stones that her kidneys shut down. But they fixed that and she went on dialysis and she actually regained kidney function. She went off of dialysis, she didn't need it anymore, which was kind of amazing to me. She still had some strength there, but she did get the feeding tube and her body just couldn't, really. She was 90, I think, when she passed away. There's a limit to what your body can do. And my dad had been very proactive in making his final arrangements. 

                                                                                                                        22:42

He had gone to yeah, oh, my gosh, such a gift. He had gone to the cemetery one day and made his arrangements and he took mom. Mom did not make her final arrangements that day. And I asked her several times. I tried to bring it up at like after dad's memorial and different times that it seemed appropriate. I asked her if she had any wishes and whether or not it was just the Parkinson's dementia or what. She just would always tell me she wasn't going to go. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

She must know something that none of us know. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                23:28

So.  But she did, eventually. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              23:32

She took it and it was a hard path. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                23:35

Yeah, and I found later I was going through my parents' things and I found a receipt from my grandparents, my dad's parents, that they had been making payments for a long time towards their final arrangements. I think, it was for my dad, it was something that his parents had done and it was something that he knew was the right thing to do. For my mom, it was scary for her.

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              24:01

And I find that's truer Tracy for more people than not. It's almost I don't know that I want to use the word superstitious, but somehow that reluctance to talk about some time in my life where I'm not well or I'm dying. It is a tough conversation. On the other hand, there are people, like your dad, right, who are a little more practical about it. I'd rather have a plan. 

                                                                                                                        24:33

I know I'm going to die one day and I think that one of the things I bring up that I try to tell adult children they can say which, by the way, might have made no difference with your mom. However, one of the things you could say is Mom, Dad, do you really want us to be guessing what your wishes are? That’s a good place to start, or I've seen my best friend go through this with her parents and I really don't want that to be what happens in our family. And for some children they just can't handle it, by the way. My own son, I asked him if he wanted to be my backup surrogate and he was like absolutely not. I could never pull the plug on you. 

                                                                                                                        25:18

I can't do it, and so, yeah. Now he was my backup and I said thank you for being honest with me and telling me because really, you're picking someone who's going to be absolutely critical. Can they deal with the healthcare establishment which, by the way, is so not easy today. Can they stand up to a doctor or stand up to the other person in the family that's saying, “What, you have to do everything.” Here's a good question for you, Tracy. Would you have predicted that your dad was going to be the practical one and said, “No, I don't want,” and your mom would be the one I'll take everything they can throw at me to keep me alive? 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                26:02

Well, I always knew that my mom had a fear of death. I knew that from an early age. She would start ranting about that. Yeah, that was a given.  My dad. I wasn't really sure, to be honest. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              26:21

And I think that's the point really is. Right. Don't make assumptions, and I say that do not make assumptions about what you think your parents are thinking or what they want. Now, having worked in senior living, I can say most people accept and recognize that they're going to die one day. It's not if, right?

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                26:41

Right. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              26:43

And so most parents might welcome the inquiry from an adult child saying I see my friends going through this or I saw that article, or I read this book, Successfully Navigating Your Parents’ and I want to have a plan. But how often does that happen? Often it's like Christmas or Hanukkah or you know, some kind of holiday and you're thinking I can't bring this subject up. But honestly, that might be the best time to say I'd like to have this conversation. We don't have to have it today. Could we have a conversation so that we're not I use a phrase “in mutual mystification” about what your plans are. 

                                                                                                                        27:28

Now, remember, this approach can be applied to so many things. I'd like to know what your plans are after you retire. Are you thinking about staying in your home? Remember, it's not if your parents will need help, it's when. Right. So, as an adult child, I was so grateful when my mom died and my stepfather was willing to move closer to me, because he didn't have anybody where he was living six hours away. And I ended up being his health care advocate, taking over paying his bills, managing his health care, hiring home care, eventually moving him into assisted living until he passed away. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                28:11

Yeah, I would think it would be really hard to take care of your parents long distance because there's just so many things that come up. When you're on the phone you're not going to see what's going on, and you're not going to see the mail piling up, the bills piling up. Right. The red flag, or the red flags that you would see in person and they can kind of say everything's going okay and you're not going to know any different. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              28:37

I have a chapter called Managing Your Parents Care Long Distance, because most families don't live within a 10 or 20 mile radius of each other anymore. They don't. Right. You know we're all spread out. And is it realistic? Now I know that some adult children move to be closer to their parent and take care of them, possibly at a crisis or towards the end of their life or until they pass away, but my experience is that is rare. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                29:13

Really? 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              28:37

Most people cannot just do that. Now they might move their parent closer to them, and not necessarily with them. I have a client whose mom had some major health issues and she went down to Miami, stayed with her a month until she was stable and healthy enough and she's bringing her back to North Florida area, probably directly into assisted living. So much closer not with her, and in fact being in an assisted living environment might help support her mom staying independent longer. Because now, instead of living in her own home six hours away without any health care advocate which her daughter is willing to be, she's closer. 

                                                                                                                        30:03

But in assisted living she's getting help with her activities of daily living. She has peers her age to talk to and relate to. Because, honestly, to move her into her home where her daughter's going away out of the home for work every day, well, she's alone and isolated. People sometimes say, well, I’d never moved my loved one into a facility and I say, well, then you haven't looked at some of the facilities and communities that are out there now. Right. Yeah, there's a, there are a lot of options. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                30:32

Yeah, then they're, they're nice, I mean they're really. They're really nice. They take you to different activities in the community, or they have little balconies you can have your plants, or I mean everything. Yeah. There's a vast difference, Tracy, about what your options are now. And in the book, 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              30:54

I have an imaginary family and you journey with them through the whole book from the very, very beginning of, you know maybe we shouldn't stay in our home with our kids are all spread out. Things are starting to get a little rocky. This is an older couple, and then I bring in the adult children and their zoom conversations and trying to make a plan and then a curveball comes and everything has to change again. And the book walks you through very realistic scenarios that happen to people all the time. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                31:41

Now I'm curious, what is the number one piece of advice that you give to a person who is new to caregiving? 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              31:44

Mmm.  Take care of yourself. 

                                                                                                                        31:46

Which is so hard to do and is often the last thing that a caregiver does. Because I just don't think you can stress enough that if something happens to you, especially if you're the only or the primary caregiver to your spouse, to your mom, to your dad, you are going to be of no good to them or to yourself. If you have a physical or mental breakdown, which it happens. Because you are so stressed out from caregiving. Oh yeah. And people often get a little tunnel vision about that. It could be anything from, nobody can do it but me, or you don't understand how difficult my mother is or how difficult my father is, but I always come back to you have to build your support team. 

                                                                                                                        32:45

You have to find a way to give yourself scheduled downtime. You could trade with a friend. In a perfect world and I know, Tracy, when I say that. Well, we don't guess what Star? We do not live in a perfect world. None of your listeners need me to say that, but I kind of like to say well, you know what? Let's start with the ideal, and then work backwards. 

                                                                                                                        33:11

So what would be the ideal that you knew as a caregiver? 

                                                                                                                        33:15

That you had three periods of time in a week that were two hours or three hours. One morning, one afternoon, another morning that you had your own life to pay attention to. And of course, let's face it, six hours a week is not very much time for a caregiver to take care of their own medical appointments or their own obligations or their own responsibilities.  But it can be a lifesaver. And if you say I can't afford home care, then try to work with a volunteer bank. Have you ever heard that? Where I'm donating my hours so you can give me hours later? Some, some towns have volunteer banks, where it's the exchange is not money, it's bartering, or you can barter with friends. I'll cook three meals for you, because if you're cooking for yourself or for your family, you know if you will trade off with me for time with my mom or with my dad. I'm convinced that if you can be open-minded, resilient and flexible, that you can come up with a solution as a caregiver to give yourself some time off. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                34:26

Caregiver burnout is such a big issue. It's huge. Yeah, for this population. Those are some good ideas.

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              34:32

And it sounds like you went through so much Tracy with your own parents.  University of 101 aging parents with your dad and your mom. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                34:47

Yeah, I did. And you know, what happened with me was that my dad kind of took a dive. He fell and it was hard for him to recover and then he was in the hospital. And then what happened was that my mom, you know, I thought everything was okay pretty much, and then my mom wasn't responding to the phone, and that was strange. I mean. Okay, she couldn't hear, they didn't have a machine. But after a certain period of time we thought something was wrong. So we, my husband and I, came over and this is how independent my parents were at that time and we had been estranged for a while and we were getting back to having a better relationship. So I did not have a key to their house at that time and my mom had fallen in the house and couldn't get up and we were yelling and then we heard her feeble voice saying, “I'm on the floor,” you know and 

                                                                                                                        36:01

We had to call the fire department and they got in very quickly and got her and she was okay. But all of a sudden you know, she's alone, she can't be alone anymore, and so what? What do I do?  

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              36:18

That’s one of the most terrifying situations and it happens all the time where suddenly you're getting a call from the discharge planner saying your mom can't go home, we can't discharge her home, she can't live alone anymore. And you're going what? 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                36:38

What do I do? So a child of TV, I called the Life Alert people and they came out and they set us up and she had the button around her neck and I went out to do a few errands so I could come back and stay with her. And I came back and she was on the floor again. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

I was gonna say I bet that didn’t work very well.

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                36:38

No, and I said, why didn't you push the button? And she said, well, I did, but she obviously hadn't. This was, my mind was blown! It never occurred to me that she would not be ABLE to push the button. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              37:23

And you know that is such a good point. When I moved my stepfather into assisted living, I moved him directly into memory care, because even in assisted living, Tracy, you have to have the wherewithal to call for help. Well, when you break it down and you think about what does calling for help mean? It means pressing a button or recognizing that you need help or recognizing that something's amiss. But if you have cognitive impairment, you may not be able to connect the dots, even though that's almost impossible for somebody to realize. So being in memory care means there's someone there 24-7, checking on a limited number of residents and giving them one-on-one care. What you have to do again is educate yourself on what is the appropriate care, what's even out there, what is the difference between plain old assisted living and memory care, or assisted living that has an extended care license. And what would that mean to you? And why is that critical? 

                                                                                                                        38:34

I tell people don't beat yourself up about this. You don't know what you don't know and why would you know it. But I wrote the book to help people be educated before they're in that, What? My mom can't go home? What? And then you're like your whole world crumbles in that two seconds. You like crisis? Great, then just wait for the crisis. Go right ahead. 

                                                                                                                        39:01

I've seen thousands and thousands of them. It's not a good place to be. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                39:08

No, it's not. Exactly. Your whole world crumbles. You have a job, you have kids, your family, your responsibilities, pets, your responsibility, pets, a husband, and it's all shot to hell. It really is. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              39:23

It can be dramatically shot to hell for a long time. As my client last week, she said I thought I was just coming down for a long weekend. I've been here a month. I haven't seen my husband in a month. He's coming down here to help me but I don't even have the basics. 

                                                                                                                        39:40

But as I said in the book I talk about when parents first retire, that's what I call the go-go years, when they're on the go and they're traveling and people say, gosh, it can hardly keep up with my parents. They're always on the go. Oh, my dad's golfing five days a week. They're fine, and nobody wants to realize. Okay, that's awesome that they're fine. But it probably won't stay that way, because after the go-go years are the slow go years. Now things are starting to change. And the next stage is the no-go years. And, as I point out in my book, there's no rule that says you can't go from the go-go years to no-go. 

                                                                                                                        40:27

You've had a major stroke, you're in the no-go zone. You fell, you broke your pelvis, it could be an accident, it could be a diagnosis, and so, for those of you that are reluctant, I don't have time for this. I can't read that book. I'm just gonna have to tough it out. I promise you that there are so many things that you will think, wow, I didn't know that. I wish I'd known that. Like you said, I wish I'd had this book. 

                                                                                                                        40:58

Because, the curveballs we all can agree curveballs are gonna come, Tracy. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                41:03

Yeah, for sure. I was lucky enough and not everybody's lucky like me but I had a friend whose mother had been going through some challenges. And so she had already been going through her own caregiving daughter-mother challenges. So I would go to her and I would say, well, okay, what do I do about this? Or what do you know about this? And I would be her grasshopper. And I would learn from her. And you know oh wise one .Well, wise one, yes. But I, like you said, I did not know what I didn't know. I always felt like I was in a dark room trying to find the door or something. And I think that if I had had this book, it would have just helped me so much because as every question came up or every challenge came up, I had to figure it out for myself. And I've been used to doing that. But you're trying to figure it out at a time when you're super stressed, you're exhausted, you're not only trying to solve this problem for your parents, but you're also just trying to live your own life. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              42:25

Well, and you know what life is complicated, Tracy. Everyone I know is stressed out, legitimately stressed out. We live in a very challenging world. And that has made these kinds of journeys even more stressful, and the healthcare system has not recovered from COVID. Staffing is a huge issue in every senior living facility, every hospital in the country, which makes it even more important to know what to ask and to know how to vet home care companies, home healthcare companies, retirement communities, life care communities, assisted living, skilled nursing. And depending on where you find yourself on this journey with your parents, the truth of the matter is you could say, forget developing a plan, I'm in a crisis right now and go to the chapter on assisted living or home care, or skilled nursing. Ideally, you're reading this in preparation, for it's a reference book, essentially, in preparation and guide book for what you think is coming. 

                                                                                                                        43:43

But I wanted to point something out. You used the word estranged. You said I was kind of estranged. And I want to go back to that because in my years of working with families and it seems to be especially true now, I talk to so many people who are estranged from their parents or the parents say to me well, you know, we have a child, but they're going through a challenging time right now. We don't talk to them. And so this is quite a burden, no matter who you are. Now I bring up this estrangement issue because I want to let your listeners know that there is an agency that I'm a member of, and you said that I was an aging life care specialist. That is a term used by the Aging Life Care Association, acronym ALCA, and you can go to the website, put in your zip code anywhere in the United States and see who in your area, or maybe your parents' area, maybe you live 100, 200, 1,000 miles from your loved one, or maybe not your loved one. 

                                                                                                                        44:59

That's my point. They're your parent, but you're estranged. And you want to help them, but from afar. You're not going to be the daughter that comes in and provides that level of care, for whatever reason, or the son. What could you do? Well, the next best thing is hiring a geriatric care manager, a case manager, and the Aging Life Care Association specializes in providing people who can be your replacement, either because you can't be there physically, because you're in another town, another state, or because you choose not to be, but you have the financial wherewithal to provide that level of support for your mom or your dad. So this person that's a professional would be able to come in and do a full assessment. So most people don't even know that those kinds of people exist. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                45:59

No, I never heard of that before. Now how much does something like that cost? 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              46:04

It varies regionally. I would say that somewhere between 90 to 150 an hour. It depends. If you're in a big urban environment, probably those costs are more. I would say probably somewhere in that 100 to 125 an hour. You might hire her to do an assessment and that's it and report back to you. One off. You might hire her to be an ongoing advocate the person that shows up at 2 o'clock in the morning when your mom's rushed to the hospital. That's worth a lot of money. 

 Tracy Wallace                                                                        Host                

That's worth a lot of money. Yeah.  

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

Correct. They become the advocate. The daughter someone doesn't have, the son someone doesn't have, or that they don't have the time, and maybe your parents can afford that for themselves. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                

That's a great resource. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

It is a fabulous resource. I talk about it every chance I can get in the book, about the Aging Life Care Association. 

                                                                                                                        46:59

When you put in your zip code, there might be one or four or more people in that area and you want to look. Do you need somebody that has a medical background? Are there needs more medical? Usually there's a variety of consultants to consider bringing on board and you could interview them on Zoom first if you're not close and see who do you think would work best with your mom or dad. That's not you. 

                                                                                                                        47:27

You know, like I had to hire somebody who could handle my stepfather, who was a nonstop talker. I had to find someone who liked chatting all the time. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                47:40

Wow. So, speaking of resources, I know that on your website you also list other resources. There's a long list of resources that are available to people. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              47:53

Thank you for bringing that up because I want people to know that they could go directly to my website and at the menu across the top, one of the tabs, one of your options, is Resources. And I promise you that there's a long, long useful list of free resources, useful websites, especially government websites like Medicare, Medicaid Qualifying. There's the US Aging, which is a nationally organized, free, federally funded service organization for seniors that is a wealth of information. USA Aging, sometimes called Elder Options, that I tell people about all the time, that will help you in such a huge list of anything to do with seniors. Very useful, very helpful. And also questions to ask when you're vetting or touring any kind of senior community, whether it's assisted living, memory care or a full service independent living retirement community. But you still need to know what to ask and why those questions or those answers are so important. So it's a long list of resources and they're key to some of the information in the book, but they're useful on their own as well. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                49:13

I think the list of questions is such a great idea because I know that if I was going to do that and tour a facility, I would go in and I would look around and again it's a case of I don't know what I don't know. I'd be looking for cleanliness and I would be looking to see if they have staff and really, beyond that, I don't know what I should be asking. So I think that that's a really useful resource. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              49:45

Well, Tracy, I really feel that I share with my readers real, genuine, insider information that you would absolutely never think to ask if you hadn't worked in senior living 24 years, like I have. Now, here's a good example. There'd be no reason why you would know to ask, let's just use an assisted living facility generically. Who owns this facility? They're going to say blah, blah, blah corporation. And then you're going to say, do they own and manage this facility? Oh no, it's another company that manages this facility. Oh, so you have one owner that's a corporation and another owner that manages you. Yes, now do you know how often you will hear that? But you wouldn't know to ask that. Why is that important? Because very typically, when that's separated both the management and the ownership that can mean that there's a…I'm trying to be delicate here that can mean that there's a problem with who is responsible for what. And also, if you have a company that owns it but isn't interested in the management or the patient care or patient care outcomes or issues and problems, because they're sort of in the background as the owners and the management company's job is basically to make sure that building is profitable. Why? Because the other question you want to say is how long is this corporation owned this assisted living facility? How many owners have there been in the last five to six years? And if the answer is oh, it's changed hands three times, that is a bad, bad sign. How long has the administrator been there? How much is the staff turning over in the key positions? 

                                                                                                                        51:47

Those are just a few of the questions, with a lot of explaining about why this is going to be so important to you. You're placing your loved one and they're charging a lot of money, yes, and so you want to make sure that you're choosing the right facility for your loved one, that they're going to get the best possible high quality care and that it's the best possible option for your loved one. And you just can't do it by the prettiness. I have seen lots of facilities that are brand new and look beautiful, but they still have major issues. So you cannot go on looks alone, you know. Cleanliness great, that's true. No smell yep, that's also important. But there, that's just the two of 20 questions you should be asking, and I actually tier the questions like first visit questions. Second visit questions now you're narrowing it down. Third three questions now you're peeling the onion. You're getting down to the core issues. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                52:46

You're very thorough. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              52:49

My experience has taught me to be. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                52:52

Well, I could just talk to you all day about this topic, because this is something that is so important and there's so much to it and you have such a wealth of knowledge about this topic as well. Obviously, I mean the book, I think you probably could have written two or three volumes on this, because there's so much to say and you've obviously learned a lot. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              53:20

I have. Both the hard way, professionally and personally. Oh my god, stories I could tell about my parents. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                53:28

I'm sure I want to make sure that people know how to find the book and to find you if they need your assistance, but definitely how to find the book. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              53:40

Thank you. Really the best place to start is my website, which is www.starbradbury.com, and that's S-T-A-R-1-R Bradbury, b-r-a-d-b-u-r-y. 

53:57

You'll find everything in one place, because you can click on Book at the top and every major book site link is going to come up, because you can find it on all major book sites, whether you want to buy your book from Amazon or Barnes & Noble or Books a Million or Indie Books, and also I'd like to point out that it's on Audible as well. So if you want to listen to the book first, or you have a family member or adult kids who only listen to books, that would work too, although you'd probably like having the actual book to take notes or use as a reference guide. And, of course, it's e-book as well, so any of those options are available. Plus, if you say I'm going to get a copy of my book for my siblings, you can get a book discount on my website. Under Book, there's a multiple book discount through Porch Light Books, and I think it's like if you're just getting five books or more, it's there's a nice discount, so keep that in mind. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                54:56

This would be a great, I know it's a little early, but this would be a great Christmas present for some of your friends. I don't have siblings, obviously, but you know I could name five friends who could really use this book, and this would be a great Christmas present. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              55:15

They'd be your BFF forever. But that's really the best way, and I do consulting and you can book online directly on my website. But again, do not forget that Resources tab, especially if you're about to go check out some communities. Look under touring questions to ask any senior facility and print those out and take them with you.

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                55:37

Great, okay, well, everybody be sure to check that out. And, Star, I want to thank you so much for your time today to share your thoughts and your knowledge and your experience with us. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

Thank you it's been a pleasure. 

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                

Oh, thank you. My pleasure, certainly. And thank you so much for joining us on the Only Child Diaries.

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              55:58

Well, and I admire your passion as well, your commitment to try to help people that have been through what you went through. And your perspective is an only child. It's, it's important mission.

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                56:18

Thank you. Yeah, I think so. I've gotten some really great feedback, so I think that this discussion is so important and I want to share it with our listeners. So thank you so much. 

Star Bradbury                                                                         Guest              

You’re welcome. Thank you.  

Tracy Wallace                                                                         Host                

And there it is.  My second interview.  I hope you’ll check out Star’s website.  That link, and some other info is in the show notes.  I wish I could buy each of you listening a copy of her book.  That’s how valuable I think it is for everyone.  If nothing else, it really makes you think.  It spurred along some thoughts about people even that my husband and I know and care about, and of course, ourselves.  Food for thought.  

That’s all I’ve got for today.  Next week we’ll tackle another topic, together.  I hope you’ll join me.  

If you like this episode, please follow the Only Child Diaries podcast on Apple podcasts or other platforms you might listen on, and consider rating Only Child Diaries and writing a review. It helps others to find us. Please share it with a friend you think might like it as well. Visit my Instagram page Only Child Diaries or Facebook Only Child Diaries podcast. Thanks for listening. I'm Tracy Wallace and these are the Only Child Diaries.