I know what this is like now. It's like going for a mammogram. Welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast. I'm your host, ttracy Wallace. Have you ever felt like you didn't receive the how-to brochure on life, that you didn't get enough guidance about major life issues? So did I. You don't have to be an only child to feel this way. In my podcast, we'll explore some of the best ways to better navigate adulting, while doing so with humor and light. Welcome everyone to the Only Child Diaries podcast. Diaries podcast.

Today I'm going to revisit anxiety, specifically dental anxiety, but I guess really medical procedure anxiety. If you're a regular listener, or even if you're not, you might know that one of my first episodes was about dental anxiety and treating children who had many issues himself, many personal issues, and it turned out that he really wasn't the best dentist. Well, he did things that really a professional dentist shouldn't do and in retrospect I got out easier than a lot of his other patients did, but it wasn't really without scars locally together who was on our insurance plan at the time, who turned out to be? Well, I don't know, would you call it subpar? Would you call it just not a kind dentist? But for whatever reason, it wasn't a positive experience really for both of us, both physically treatment-wise and also for the things that he suggested that he wanted to do to us. So we stopped seeing him. Now, if Bill was the one making the appointments, perhaps we would have gone to see a dentist sooner, but I'm always the one who makes the appointments and frankly, I wasn't too excited about ever seeing a dentist again and I would have been pretty happy to actually never go to a dentist for the rest of my life. But that's not the way it works, right.

So about two to three years ago I broke a tooth and I knew that overall I was screwed. I mean, I guess I could have powered through and waited for the rest of it to chip off. I broke off pretty much half of a molar and so there were some sharp parts in there and it didn't necessarily feel that great either and just logistically well, it just seemed like the right thing to do to go see a dentist and, not having been to a dentist in a long time I mean a long time I didn't really know who to go see. But I had spoken to on the phone my mom's dentist and he seemed like a reasonable person. He seemed personable, which meant that he would have a good chair-side manner and he was easy to talk to, so I felt like at least that was part of the deal that was important, okay.

So, even though it was really incredibly difficult for me to go back and to start back and to have all this treatment I mean, I had my first crown and I experienced laughing gas, which was really phenomenal in helping me through all these procedures I faced my fear and really for the last two to three years, I've lived right dental-wise and my teeth have probably suffered a little bit because of the neglect and instead of going for cleanings every six months, I've had to go every three months. I had my first deep cleaning, or well, four deep cleanings, and Bill also has had to have more cleanings. We're just not the best, I guess, at what we do. I do brush twice a day, but there's more issues, right? Well, the last time this year that I went was in March, which isn't too bad, right? I mean, for a recovering dental phobia phobic person like myself, march is pretty good. It's October now, okay.

So I went last week and the reason that I hadn't gone in the three month intervals was because, let's face it, I didn't have dental insurance. You know, I'd been on a two year break from work and I ended up buying dental insurance for us directly, which is not really, I mean, it's a solution. It's a solution, but dental insurance just in general, it's not the greatest thing. But if you get it through an employer or a group plan, it's not so bad, it's helpful. It pays for a pretty good amount of your treatment. But buying it individually, it seemed like I would pay the hefty premiums and then they would pay out a little extra money. So maybe I was making, like you know, an extra $50 every six months, but it just was seemed like a lot of extra money to outlay. So I stopped paying the premium, which meant that we stopped going to the dentist now, but it's only seven months, so it's not like I've totally fallen off the wagon. It's not like I've totally fallen off the wagon, but I guess when you have dental issues, you know you have to live pretty straight, right? Okay? So I finally went in last week. Bill gets to go in on Monday and oh dear Well, so this is where it all started to go very badly.

I had to get a full set of x-rays, which x-rays are not the worst thing that can happen to you in a dental office, let's face it. But if you're already nervous, I would just rather not be there, period. Okay. So I went into the x-ray area and got the heavy bib and the gal came in and she had these packets of sterilized implements that looked like torture implements and I started to feel that old, familiar feeling. So I started to try to talk to her, alleviate some of my nervousness, which didn't really work because she wasn't a very chatty kind of person and she had to go, keep going in and out and in and out to get more supplies and more implements that look like, you know, meat tenderizers and I don't know what else but bad things.

And so then she started in on the x-rays and at one point, after putting a couple of these things into my mouth, she said, okay, now this one's going to be bad. Well, that's just not something that you should say to me in a dental office, okay, and I started to kind of panic and she said that, and she said that this one was going to have to go way far back. And I just instantly imagined myself choking to death. And Bill wasn't with me and I thought, oh great, they're going to have to call Bill and tell him that I died at the dental office. Anyway, it wasn't that bad, but it was hard to get through. And then she has to keep going out, putting the thing in my mouth and it hurts, it digs into your gums or it digs into the side of your mouth or whatever, and then she goes out and she hits the button.

I finally was able to engage her in some conversation because I said you know, you know what this is like. I know what this is like now. It's like going for a mammogram, because and she looked at me and she was like what? Because she's younger, you know, she hasn't had a mammogram. I asked her and I said because they, they put you in the thing, they, they, they make it hurt, and then they go behind the thing and they beep it. And you know she was like what, what? And I said oh, I'm not trying to scare you. I mean I was trying to scare her a little bit because she was, she was hurting me and I was very nervous. But I mean I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt her, but I was trying to deflect some of the panic that I felt and I just said it's not really so bad, it's really quick and having a mammogram is not a bad thing. Try to talk my way out of that. I don't want to put any negative connotations in her mind or anyone else's listening.

A mammogram is it's only four views. It really does depend on the technician who's helping you helping you, but it's. It's not something that you'd probably want to experience for like an hour or anything, or probably even 15 minutes, but it does. It does go by really fast. Anyway, she was more chatty after that and and she was trying to make things more comfortable for me, trying to make things more comfortable for me and I had to laugh just at the whole situation. Anyway, then finally she took me into another chair and she put this camera in my mouth which you know it's modern dentistry and she waved it all around and she took pictures of my teeth in that way so that they can look at my teeth or remember them. Maybe they start a photo album, I don't know. Then I had to wait for the hygienist.

Now, when I first came back as a dental patient, we had Christina who was our hygienist from the start, and she was absolutely wonderful and she understood about my anxiety and she understood all of my quirks and all of Bill's quirks and she's very delightful and, you know, very accommodating and gentle and the whole thing and and and part of um. You know the confidence that I built had to do with her. But she left and I don't know if she left on her own or they made a decision, but she left about well, probably towards the beginning of the year and so this has stressed me out as well. In March I was helped by another hygienist who I don't think was a good match for me, who I don't think was a good match for me. I asked her when I came in. I said I'm kind of nervous, can you tell me stories? Can you talk to me while you clean my teeth? And she said I don't have any stories. So we both sat there in silence and it was kind of awkward and uncomfortable. Kind of awkward and uncomfortable Because if I have somebody at least talking to me, then the time goes by faster, I can concentrate on what they're saying and not on the scraping and the bleeding and the fact that I'm at the dentist. So that gal's not going to work.

So I had been scheduled with another one, and so I waited for her and she came and got me and by this time I was already pretty much ready to just run out of the office. I didn't know anything about her, but I was pretty much ready to just run. But I but I stayed and I talked to her and I told her my issues and I asked her if she could tell me stories. And she said, oh, do I have stories? So this is a good thing, right? And she proceeded to clean my teeth and she did a good job and she's very kind, and she told me, she told me this long, involved story about her and her family and and it wasn't maybe the happiest story, but it was a long story filled the space. I really respect her, I know her a lot better and I thanked her. And then she said well, you know, you're going to have to come back again soon because I can't, I can't, you know, get all the tartar off today. And I was like, oh crap, okay, okay, all right, okay.

And she said something when I first sat down. She said something about a halo in regards to the x-rays and I thought, well, okay, and I made a joke. I said well, does that mean that one of my teeth is angelic? But you know, when they categorize anything about you with a term that you don't know, it's usually not good, right? So then the dentist came in, as he sometimes does when it's time for a checkup, and he knows me and he's very personable and he's very kind and he knows both of us very well and he knows both of us very well and he's really good at what he does and I like him, but he knows me. Let me just stress that.

So he came in and he showed me the x-ray and he said do you want the good news? And I said, yes, I want the good news. And he said, okay, the good news is you're not going to need an implant. And I thought, oh, holy heck, that's not okay. And he said you're not going to lose your tooth. I said, okay, that, okay, he goes, that's good news. I'm like, well, yeah, it's good, but what the hell are we going to have to do to it to save it?

And so he said I'm going to send you to one of my friends who's a dentist and he's just going to drill a tiny hole all the way down to this root and he's going to put some medicine in it. And I looked at him and I said so, is that a root canal? And he said well, yes, and oh dear. So you know root canal, the term root canal, it's usually not a good term, right? I mean we all have. I mean, who among you has a good connotation to the term root canal? Not me. I've never had a root canal, but I've heard some bad stories, but I tried to stay positive. Okay, so I have to tell you that my dentist does. He does seem to really care.

And so he said look, you're going to need to do this really soon Because if you don't, you're going to get into trouble and you're going to wake up one day and you're going to be in a lot of pain because it's getting infected in there. And I said well, you know, I thought Bill's words that he always says there's no pain like dental pain rang in my head and he said I want you to call and make an appointment, and if I'm going to call them next week and if you haven't made an appointment, I'm going to call you. I said I'm going to call, I'll call, don't worry. Okay, so I left after paying the balance on my bill and I thought, well, okay, I'm going to just it's the end of the day, but I'm going to pull over before I get home and I'm going to call.

So called, and I got this very nice lady and explained the situation and she said, well, you know, you can come in this day. And I said, well, am I coming in to talk to the doctor or am I going to come in and have the procedure? And she said, well, you'll just come in and have the procedure. And I thought to myself, oh, oh dear, don't we just want to talk about this first? You know, I understand, okay, he's going to get the x-rays and he's going to know what to do and it's probably very straightforward and it's probably very simplistic, and he's probably done about 20 000 of these.

And I was just like you know that the, the, the realization that this is really going to happen, started to kick in, right, and so I started to tell her that I was, you know, a little bit, a little bit, I was a little bit of a nervous kind of a patient, right, and so I asked her if they have nitrous, you know, also known as laughing gas. Because, while I don't want to do this at all. I'd rather just go off and die somewhere. If I had laughing gas, I could drive myself there, I could drive myself home and while I was there I could just be like I don't care, right? And so she said no, we don't have it. And that is when I lost it. I absolutely lost it. I started having my meltdown in the car. Luckily I was in the car.

I started crying to this person, this woman, this lovely woman, very lovely. I mean, you know, sometimes when you call a doctor, a dentist office and you get a receptionist and they don't know you from Adam or Eve and you start being a pain in the ass, they're just like, okay, whatever. But this woman was like my friend all of us, right. I mean, she was like my friend. She didn't know me, but she was very kind and I was just sobbing because I'm like I can't do this, I just can't do that, I can't. I'm like I can't do this, I just can't do that, I can't. And she said look, it's good that we know that you're anxious, yeah, anxious, like from one to 10 on a 15, you know. And she said let me tell you that the doctor is very gentle, he's very good, he's very fast.

And you know, I said well, look, I've heard all these bad things about root canals and I just I'm freaking out. And she said don't listen to it, don't listen to anybody. Tell you about anything. This is not that Everybody who comes in here is very happy. It's not going to be a bad experience. And I said I've had some bad experience. She goes no, it's going to be fine. You're going to be fine If you can take something. I said, well, my husband doesn't really drive. And she said, well, okay, but you're going to be fine. And I said okay, so you know I'm crying. So you know I'm crying. I mean, it's, it's really, oh boy.

So I gathered my courage and I drove home. After going to the market. I had to stop at the market. I felt like I was beat up. I felt like somebody had just taken a two by four and hit me over the head a couple hundred times, me over the head a couple hundred times.

Got home and I told the whole story to Bill again and started crying again and his response was well, first of all, I'll drive you. So I was like, well, let's see. But he said, wow, you really got messed up by that dentist when you were a kid. Huh, I said well, yeah, I think so.

Yeah, so the panic that I felt over my impending cataract surgery, despite the fact that I can't really see out of that one eye very well at all, now I mean talk about a fast growing cataract Jeez, I mean, my left eye is let me do it right now If I well, it's not so bad. Sometimes, like I was out earlier in the daylight and I covered my good eye For some reason. In the light it's different, but I just feel like blind, as a bat sometimes, anyway, and I have absolutely no depth of field. Now, if I go to step off a curb, I know that the curb is there, but it doesn't look like a curb. It's very dangerous. Anyway, that's what I experienced this week and I feel better about it now.

I know when it comes up it's going to be the day before election day. I'm going to just, I'm going to be a wreck, but for now I'm trying to put it out of my mind and I think that's the best thing to do is just put it out of my mind. But you know, anxiety is a big part of life and sometimes, no matter how much we try, how much we struggle and how much work we do on ourselves and how many times good experiences get under our belts Many times good experiences get under our belts these anxiety-producing episodes, experiences, come back. It's like PTSD, right. So I try to take it one step at a time. I try to be it one step at a time, I try to be easy on myself and I'm just going to try not to stress out about it too much. I guess that's. I guess that's where I'm at. So, folks, next week I'm hoping that I will have an anxiety-free episode for you. Well, next week we can talk more about Halloween, because that'll be the week of Halloween, but until then, that's all I've got for today. Next week, we will tackle another, hopefully stress-free topic together. I hope you'll join me If you like this episode.

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