I sho. Welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast. I'm your host, racy Wallace. Have you ever felt like you didn't receive the how-to brochure on life, that you didn't get enough guidance about major life issues? So did I. You don't have to be an only child to feel this way. In my podcast, we'll explore some of the best ways to better navigate adulting, while doing so with humor and light. Welcome.

Today I'm going to talk about a few different things, kind of a miscellaneous potpourri episode. I couldn't really decide on one topic. First of all, I want to talk well again about my journey of dentists, my dental journey. This week I had my second or my last follow-up on the root canal. If you've been listening, you know that I had my first round of the root canal, my first ever root canal follow-up visit, and my husband and one of my best friends was telling me that it was going to be easy. It was going to be easier. Now, I would expect that, yes, it would be easier than the first visit, that, yes, it would be easier than the first visit, and I felt like I knew kind of what to expect. I knew that the dentist was going to go in and take out the temporary filling he had put down into the roots of my tooth and then he was going to put in a permanent filling and I could kind of surmise that there was going to be more to it than just that. When they called to confirm the appointment from the dental office, I tried to ask as many questions as I could think of and I asked how long I would be there and the nurse told me about an hour and a half to two hours and I thought, well, okay, I mean, you know, seems excessive to me, but I know there's. There's waiting involved because he's a single dentist in his office and he goes back and forth between patients Uh, as he lets you rest, you know, between the Novocaine or whatever. Okay, so that's what I was kind of expecting. I was hoping more for an hour and a half, but I looked at the time when we got there and I looked at the time when I, you know, pulled my butt out of the chair and I have to say my mother-in-law used to tell me don't ever use the word, but it's not very nice, tracy so I moved myself out of the tunnel chair. I was there for two hours and 40 minutes.

Now I decided in advance that I didn't need. I mean, need is kind of a strange word here but I didn't take the Xanax that was prescribed to me because it gets a little complicated I have to have somebody drive. My husband doesn't really feel confident, that confident driving anymore with his vision and his feet because of the diabetes he has neuropathy, and so he feels he just doesn't feel confident and it becomes a stressful situation for him, him. So the first time I had one of my best friends drive us, she had to drive over, she picked us up, she took us, she drove us back. It was kind of, you know, full afternoon for her and she offered, because she's, she's like my sister, but because she's like my sister. But I felt like, you know, I can do this by myself. I mean my husband will be there, it's okay. I know it's probably not going to hurt. I'm not worried about the pain anyway, but I, you know, I felt, I felt okay. I didn't I'm not going to say I felt confident. That's going too far. I felt like I could do it without the Xanax the night before.

Let me just stop here and tell you the night before the other part of my week is that I did enter the contest for our city's holiday decoration contest. Okay, this is the first time that I know that they've been doing this and I'm very excited because I'm kind of kind of an overachiever on decorating the front lawn. I did post a picture in the social media for Only Child Diaries podcast, so you can kind of see at least part of it. You can see the front of the front yard. That's the most of it, but that's not really all of it. It's like a hobby. It's also somewhat of an obsession at this point. I've really enjoyed it. I'm going to be really, really sad when January rolls around and I have to take everything down, but um, um, but okay.

So the night before the dentist visit I did submit a picture, because there's a deadline and they're only taking the first 30 entries and I didn't want to lose out because I'd worked so hard. And then I contacted the person at the city and I said look, I sent a day picture in, but are you coming to judge at night? And she said oh, yes, we're judging at night. And I thought, well, I should submit a nighttime picture, and so I wanted to make it look better at night. I wanted to do a couple of things. I wanted to kind of spruce up a few bits and pieces here and there before they come to do the judging anyway. So I was out there, I went out it was so cold At first, I was freezing and I just thought, okay, keep moving, just keep moving. I also added lights to a whole new side of the house, which was innovative and slightly stressful because I didn't know if it was really going to work. And it did kind of work. I just put a line of lights at the bottom of the windowsills on the side of the house, of the windowsills on the side of the house. I didn't line the windows because, well, that would have killed me. So I put a line of lights there from the plug that's in the backyard and I also put lights on the gate.

So the other thing that happened this week that was kind of stressful was that we got our new trash cans from the city and I guess I was really confused because I knew that this was coming. They had told us about this like a year and a half ago, that they were going to switch out the bins for the trash. Why, I don't know the ones that we have are perfectly good. I mean, okay, they're older and maybe they smell or something sometimes, and some of the colors have faded, but they still are good, in good shape, sturdy, rugged. So they decided to change out the bins, give us better bins, or they have better color, I don't know and they're all black. And then the lids have the green, the blue and the black. So they're the yard trimmings, the recycle and the trash. And I read where now all of California has the same bins for whatever that's worth.

And one of my neighbors said well, what are they doing with all the old bins? Because I mean, hopefully they're not going in a landfill somewhere, because that would be a bunch of bins I mean seriously. So I don't know. Maybe I'll be able to find out what happened to them. The question was well, okay, they dropped off the bins. Now we have two greens bins, for whatever reason, my parents at some point had gotten an extra greens bin. They dropped off four new bins and then we had four old bins.

I was very confused about what's going to happen. What are we going to do? How are we going to do it? I finally figured it out. I called the city in the morning, before I was fully awake, I felt like a confused old lady because I kept asking her the same question and I realized later that she was answering it. I just wasn't fully listening to her because I was so confused. So she she was very patient with me and a little perturbed, but anyway, they dropped off the bins and then the next day they took the trash, they picked up the trash and then they picked up the old empty bins. So there's a lot of noise.

Anyway, I put the new bins on the driveway where I put the lights. So I use the new bins as like a table for my lights and my little stickers and my little hooks that I got to put on the windowsills. And I did that and I think it looks great. And then I was out in the front of the bay window, in the front of the house, and I had to fix the lights, because from the year before and yes, it's true, I do leave the Christmas lights up all year because it's absolutely so much work that there's no way that I would take them down and put them back up again. I'm sorry, I don't know if that's really tacky. It probably is really tacky, but you know what, I don't care Anyway. So two of the corners of the string of lights had fallen down a little bit. I had to kind of tack those back up with a new hook and then part of the string had blown out and of course the part of the string that I could plug in a new string was up in the upper corner.

So under the bay window I have a lot of plants and I, for some reason or however this worked out my parents also landscaped it with some big rocks. They're relatively flat, but they're not flat. So I was there and I was trying to get into the bay window area and here I am. It's freezing cold. I'm out there in the dark. It was probably like 55 degrees, which I mean okay, for me a, for me, a Southern California native, that's cold.

But once I got going I was fine, I wasn't cold anymore, and it's going in and out of the bushes and what I've realized, sadly, since my knee surgery and everything I guess, is that my balance is just not as good as it used to be, which, anyway. So I stood on the rock one of the rocks and I was trying to balance and then I kind of fell, but I fell into this big bush and I didn't fall all the way to the ground, but this bush, there wasn't much, there wasn't. There's not much of this bush to really hold you up. I mean, it's very airy and sparse, and so I'm bending this bush over like it didn't snap. It's amazing, it's really. When I look at it now, it's like it just sprung back to life.

But I've got my hands in like jade plant and this, this shrub, and then there's the bricks on the side and I'm there in the dark, in the cold, trying to string up these fricking Christmas lights and I just, and I couldn't, I couldn't get my balance to stand up and I just started talking to myself and saying we're not doing this, we're not doing this, we are not doing this. And I'm sure if any of the neighbors were watching me or could hear me, they were like, oh goodness sakes, okay. So I did finally write myself, and then I had a little step stool, just a one step. And then I had a little step stool, just a one step, you know, a kitchen stool that I had to use to get myself up to plug in that new strand of Christmas lights. I mean, this whole thing is such a labor of love. You just, you just can't imagine. And I got the thing in and then I restrung it.

Now I'm doing all this, right, this is the night before the dental appointment and I feel like I am just going to blow my guts out. I mean, yes, I'm having fun and yes, I'm getting things done and yes, I want to be out there. And you know, make sure, because this is stressing me out, because I want to get the yard in pretty good shape. It's not going to be perfect, I know that, but I want to get it in pretty good shape. And I'm really stressing out about the dentist. And I just kept feeling like I was going to throw up, like I was going to be really, really sick. I was a little dizzy, I was going to throw up, I was going to be really really sick, I was a little dizzy and I just kept telling myself, again, we're not doing this. And I kept doing what I was doing.

I was bound and determined to get that string of lights done. And there was something else to get that string of lights done. And there was something else that I want. Oh, I wanted to put my new snowman up, but I decided that that was just. That was a little too much for me.

But I got these, I got the string of lights on the side and I got the the the lights in the front window fixed and then I went inside and I told Bill I said I feel so sick to my stomach. Anyway, I tried to throw up because he said you should just try to throw up because he's got such a bad stomach. He throws up all the time. And he told me that his mom used to be a really good, really good at throwing up and I was like how can you be really good at throwing up? She had a bad stomach too, but I hate throwing up. I will do anything I can to not throw up. Bad topic, I know, but I think it was all just nerves because I was just not looking forward to going to the dentist. This is how much I hate it In retrospect. I should have taken the Xanax. I should have allowed my friend to come and help me and do this. But I felt bad. I didn't want her to sacrifice her day for me. I knew she was busy. I felt bad. I didn't want her to sacrifice her day for me. I knew she was busy, so we go and I'm trying to be positive about it.

It turned out the first time that we were there that the dentist is a musician. He plays for a know, for a hobby, he plays the guitar, and so he and Bill had things to talk about. They got along and that was a good distraction for me. I don't want to just sit and listen to dental office music. I don't want to just sit and listen to a drill. I'd rather listen to people talking about things. So that was good. But you know, and again this dentist, I looked at everything and the people that I talked to and he had absolutely excellent, impeccable reviews from everybody on Yelp, on Google, everything about him was perfect.

Okay, so he goes to do the Novocaine shots, just like last time. They hurt, okay, that's fine. I mean, that doesn't bother me, but this time the Novocaine somehow was running down my throat. That's the only thing that I can guess that it was, because that was the only other thing in my mouth and it was a liquid and it was running down my throat and it's bitter. It's really, really bitter. Okay, so he gave me, I think, two, maybe three shots, and, and then I started to gag and the assistant said, oh, do you want to rinse? Yes, please. And so he left me alone. He came back, he started finally to work on me and I could feel everything and he goes oh, you can feel that. And I said, yeah, so it was Novocaine round two, and it was. I could feel it a little less because I was numbed a little bit, but one of the shots again really hurt and, yes, again the Novocaine was running down my throat.

Now I'm not going to give you a whole play-by-play of the whole thing, but two hours and 40 minutes whole play by play of the whole thing. But two hours and 40 minutes, folks, for somebody that is not a real happy camper in a dental chair. There was one point when he said I could rest and close my mouth. And I couldn't close my jaw because my jaw had come out of the socket one side, because it had been open so long. And there was another point when I just was so fed up with the whole thing that I just wanted to get up and leave, just take the stuff out of my mouth and just run out the door. But I didn't.

My friend who would have driven us. She wanted me to let her know. When we got home and I told her and she felt so bad. She said I would have taken you and I said well, if I had known I would have let you take me, but who would have known? Anyway, the next day I asked my husband because he had told me how easy it was going to be, right? Oh, let me just tell you, at the end, when we were done, he said okay, you're done. He shook Bill's hand. He turned to me and he put his hand out, shook my hand and I looked at him. I said I hope I never see you again.

Now, you know, I always try to be very nice and I try to be very supportive, but, but there is a line. Sometimes, when people are I'm not going to say taking advantage of you, but when things aren't really going your way should we say it that way? When you're inconvenienced, or when it's wrong, right, when you're treated badly, you could be treated better. Okay, let's say it that way and I really meant it. I don't. I don't ever want to go back to to see him. I hope I never have to have a root canal and if this guy has the best reviews. I don't want to know what the dentist with the average reviews is like, because I mean, this was horrible. There was, there was pain involved, there was, you know, stress, there was a lot of waiting, which I don't think, I don't think is is a fit anyway.

So the next day, because my husband and my friend had both said this was going to be easier and this was not easier, uh, I just, I just brought it up to Bill and I said were you like BSing me? Were you just, you know, saying that, cause sometimes he tries to be positive, just hoping that things are going to go well, you know, and I get that, you know that's okay. And I said were you just BSing me? And he said, no, I really, you know, I really remembered that things the second time for my root canals were easier. And he said but you know, I really remembered that things the second time for my root canals were easier. And he said but you know, it was really interesting because his hands were shaking every time, every time he was working on you, and I said wait, wait, what? And he said, yeah, in fact they were shaking the first time we were there.

Now, I never saw this because every time he came at me, especially with those Novocaine needles, I closed my eyes like any dental anxiety patient would. But he never mentioned that to me. And then we started talking about it and he said, well, do you think he was nervous with you? And I said, well, but he's the dentist, I mean he's the professional. Like, if he's intimidated by the fact that I'm anxious, like he should be confident. You know, I going down a weird road here because I mean that's just not, oh my gosh, that's just not the way it's supposed to go. Um, so I'm not going to say that I have more dental anxiety, um, but I but I don't really think that I have any less after this whole experience. But the good news is that my tooth so far it did take an x-ray and it looked good, and my tooth so far feels better than it did, especially after the first visit, but it does feel better. But they had me sign something that said that I wouldn't chew on that tooth for like 10 days or something. So the saga continues and I'm feeling better. After I got over that horrendous oh my gosh, that was terrible. But now I'm feeling better and I think that the, as far as I know, the judging for the holiday decorating contest is going to be this coming week, two nights. They're going to visit all the sites that were entered, so I don't know which night they're going to come.

But I went and I bought a truckload of poinsettia plants to kind of space out in between the inflatables. You can kind of see them in the picture. I think I can't remember if I did a daytime picture or nighttime picture, but you can kind of see them because there's cords. And I thought that it would help hide some of the little things with the inflatables that you don't really need to see and it would kind of help just make it look more festive. But I forgot that poinsettias are just so incredibly delicate. Usually what I think happens is they don't water them enough and they shrivel. And so I went out there. They were fine. The day that I got them they were fine I think I got 12 and so I spaced them out around the yard.

And then I went out the next day and I had my watering can, because I can't really take the hose because there's too many electrical things out there. So I took the watering can and I was kind of going, going by and watering just a little bit in the pot and I think the sixth or seventh one. I just went to touch it to move the leaves, to get the water directly onto the dirt, and just this whole handful of leaves fell out into my hand Just like, oh, okay, well, you're already dying on me, that's great. And then I look today, because I had watered some yesterday because it's been pretty warm during the day and the pots were saturated with water, because they've got the foil wrapping thing to make it more festive right, they're all wrapped in red. So the water was stuck in there and so their roots are drowning. So I thought, oh gosh, okay, so that doesn't make them happy either. Then I was looking on you know, I better look and read about poinsettia care and something that I read said you know, go and make holes in the foil. Which why didn't I think of that? That would be a genius idea. Which, why didn't I think of that? That would be a genius idea.

Didn't get to that today because I put out more lights today and I tried to clean up. I've got so many empty boxes from all the decorations and the lights and stuff and I've got it on the porch and I've got to get those off. And then I also bought two fresh reeds. It was a fundraiser and I got those yesterday and they're beautiful. They're really, really nice, but I have to put them to. I have to put the bow and the pine cones on them and then hang them. And that turned out to be pinecones on them and then hang them, and that turned out to be a lot harder, a lot more challenging with the pinecones than I thought. So to get them all straight. So I got one up, so I have to do the other tomorrow.

The last thing that I want to talk about is and this is a longer episode is I feel like I've been, you know, I've been really short on time and I've been really short on energy lately and I thought today I would just talk with you longer than I normally do. That I've been doing because there's always more to say. The holidays are sometimes a difficult time, right? I mean, there's a lot of festivity, there's a lot of joyfulness, there's a lot of gratitude with Thanksgiving and with Christmas, there's a lot of visiting with friends and sending and receiving Christmas cards, decorations, gifts, but there's a lot of stress around how am I going to pay for everything, or how am I going to get everything done, or if you're going out of town. If you're a regular listener, you've heard me talk about the holidays.

When I was growing up. It turned into be a very negative time for me. My mom would get really depressed around the holidays and I think she had a lot of expectations sometimes that my dad and I couldn't fulfill for her because we didn't know what they were. I think she had a lot of memories, a lot of experiences in her past that made her really sad, and the holidays brought those memories up for her. I think she could have really benefited from therapy or medication, but she was very resistant and afraid of both of those things. So for a long time the holidays to me weren't a good time. It was very stressful. I just tried to really hold it together to get through and I was really happy when it would be December 26th. But then I met Bill, and Bill and his family have always embraced Christmas. Certainly his mom did, certainly his mom did. We got married December 17. That made it more of a happy time. My dad's birthday is December 19. Of course I miss my dad. I try to honor him on that day, somehow do something that he would have liked to do or think about him for a while, just honor him. But the holidays can be challenging for a lot of people and I recognize that.

I was listening to a conversation that Anderson Cooper had with his podcast that Anderson Cooper had with his podcast. His guest was Alex Van Halen of talking about his brother, eddie course of the band Van Halen, and it reminded me of my friend Gina, because Gina had lost her sister years ago, because Gina had lost her sister years ago and she had told me at the time that losing a sibling is something that you never get over and it was hard for me at the time when she told me that, it was hard for me to relate to that. Of course I understood what she was saying. I empathize with her, but I didn't really fully I mean I admit I didn't fully understand it, being an only child and I also had seen her relationship with her youngest sister wasn't always perfect and yet she was very hurt by that loss. Listening to Alex Van Halen talk about losing his brother reminded me a lot about my friend Gina, and it also reminded me about Gina's remaining sister and everything that she's gone through and I've really enjoyed and enjoy isn't the right word, but I've gotten a lot out of Anderson Cooper's interviews about grief in the three seasons that he's done this podcast because, although I feel like I have been kind of a grief expert if you can be a grief expert I feel like I've really been able to work through and deal with and understand and process grief so well Since my horse, dallas, passed away.

I have pretty much refused to deal with it, process it, think about it. It hurts me so much. It's such a deep loss for me that when I do allow myself to think about it, I'm really at a loss to even explain to you how it feels. Um, and I know that I'm not going to be really uh, okay with it until I do process it and I am able to to, to think, to think about it and really grieve him. I mean not that I didn't grieve him.

If you've listened to any of the episodes that I recorded right after he passed away, they're very raw and the loss is different than any other loss that I've ever felt. So you know, we still have the stall, we still pay for the stall, we pay a discounted rate because it's empty, because I just I can't. I find myself not being able to deal with it, and it's been what? Eight months, I think. It's just something that I'm still struggling with even now, and I've watched other people deal with it or not deal with it, however you want to look at that, and I understood at the time. I thought I understand more now, but grief is wow. Grief is such a process and, again, as much as I thought I understood it and I was good at it if that's the right word, I'm not. That's what I've learned this week. Anyway, it's going to be a new year soon. It's hard to believe, isn't it? So we're moving into the holiday period. All good things to everyone. It's a very different time in our world, but that's all I've got for today.

Next week, we'll tackle another topic or topics together. I hope you'll join me. If you like this episode, please follow the Only Child Diaries podcast on Apple Podcasts or other platforms you might listen on and consider rating Only Child Diaries and writing a review. It helps others to find us. Please share it with a friend you think might like it as well. Visit my Instagram page, only Child Diaries or Facebook Only Child Diaries Podcast. Thanks for listening. I'm Tracy Wallace and these are the Only Child Diaries.