Right, welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast. I'm your host, tracy Wallace. Have you ever felt like you didn't receive the how-to brochure on life, that you didn't get enough guidance about major life issues? So did I. You don't have to be an only child to feel this way. In my podcast, we'll explore some of the best ways to better navigate adulting, while doing so with humor and light. Welcome everyone to the Only Child Diaries podcast.

Today, I'm going to talk about March. It's March now, and well, march has traditionally been one of my favorite months of the year because it's my birthday month. Yes, my birthday's March 22nd, and that's always been a special day for me. I've always celebrated my birthday. I think everybody should celebrate their birthday, right, I think that's very important. But over the last several years, march has, well, it's seen some difficult days, and so, as I go into March, I well, I'm sort of dreading it Because there's some uncomfortable anniversaries coming up. Anniversaries coming up If you know me, you know what they are, but I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip, I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and I'm trying to stay in the moment. I'm trying to remember that every day is a gift. Yes, I know every day is a gift. Whether or not every day is a happy day or a sad day, it's still a gift. It's very important to remember. But yes, this year, especially this March, is going to be a little bit difficult for me Now in 2019,.

We lost our friend Manny right after my birthday and he was a friend at the barn. He was something of well now, I have to say, when Bill and I were spending time at the barn, it was because Bill was working at night and I would be there at night to see and take care of our horse and spend time and relax and be outside. And even though it was nighttime, because it was quieter at night, there were less people at the time that I went and I would get there like eight or nine o'clock and so a lot of people were already gone or in the process of leaving, and so it was quieter because I just I wanted to not have to well, interact with a lot of the people. I already interacted with a lot of people during the day and, being an only child, I already interacted with a lot of people during the day and, being an only child let's say that as well I also, well, I interacted with people all day long at my job, right, and I just wanted some quiet time to myself. So less drama, less interaction. It was great. But Manny was one of those people. Even though he was, I think, in his 80ies, he liked to be there late at night.

And Manny was, I think, from Argentina originally and he started to befriend us. He really enjoyed talking to us. I mean, there weren't very many other people in the barn either, but he was barn either. But he was great. He was a character. He used to be a jockey in his younger days and so he had a lot of stories to tell. And he also liked to talk, and so he would come and sit with us as his horse was outside in a pen or just relaxing or what have you, and he would tell us stories. He would talk about his wife, who had passed away several years before, and how much he missed her, and he would talk about his son.

Manny lived close by, I think in Studio City, but his son lived up in Camarillo, which is about, I'd say, maybe 50 miles or so, and he would talk about his son and how proud he was of his son, and he would talk about his horse and he was always so diligent in saying, oh, I have to take care of my horse, I have to exercise my horse, I have to take care of my horse, I have to exercise my horse. And he was just Bill and I just really enjoyed spending time with him because he was a sweet man and we just really adored him. And then I remember one I think it was a Sunday that I was here. Sundays are never good thinking about it, or Sunday is like our bad day. Anyway, I was here one Sunday afternoon and my phone rang and his son and I had exchanged phone numbers because I met him once at the barn and he said let me have your phone. Him once at the barn and he said let me have your phone number in case something happens. I said I'm sure and I took his and he called and he said he told me the bad news that he had been unable to reach his dad and had gone to the house and had found him, that he had passed away. And I felt terrible. I really was sad because I thought of him, even though I guess he was probably 30 years older than me. I thought of him like a grandfather in a way, and he was just very sweet. And that one really hit me and it hit Bill hard and we felt the loss, you know, and his horse was there and still and felt sorry for the horse.

I mean, you know I'm sure he wondered where his dad was after that and had his routine and all that but anyway, and found out more about his life after he passed away. I mean, that's, the funny thing is that as you go through life and people pass away, sometimes you learn more about them at their funerals or their memorials than you ever knew about them when they were alive. And I find that kind of ironic that people that you know, or that you like, or that you work with, or that you live next to, or whatever, you don't know them that well until after they pass away. And so I've tried actively to fix that more and more. But it's hard because sometimes you don't get a chance to sit down and say, hey, tell me about your life, or tell me about how you grew up, or tell me about what you did in your 20s or however that goes. Anyway, we found out more about him. We saw pictures of him when he was younger, we saw a picture of his wife and it was hard, it was a hard loss and it was hard, it was a hard loss. And then COVID started.

Covid came and my mom passed away at the very, very beginning of 2021, in January, and I was just getting over that. I mean, I saw that coming and for me, losing my mom was, I guess, more of a relief than a sadness, because my mom had been suffering physically, she had been dealing with some level of dementia A lot of the time. She was really clear too, but I don't know that she was very happy a lot of the time, and so a lot of ambivalent feelings, right, but still, it's a big transition in my life, anybody's life, when you lose your parents. So he's dealing with that. And then it was my birthday and then, all of a sudden, my boss died four days later and my boss, ruth, didn't like COVID at all. It was very hard on her because Ruth didn't like COVID at all. It was very hard on her because we all in the office, we all had to start working remotely and one of Ruth's joys was having us all in the office and seeing us all working and working together and being there, and so she could touch us and see us and talk to us and give us more work, and working remotely meant that she couldn't see what we were doing every minute. So COVID was really hard, but it was also really hard on her because she couldn't go out and do the things that she wanted to do.

And she was finally vaccinated fully and her friend was vaccinated and they decided to go on a short trip to Santa Barbara, which is, I guess, about 100 or so, maybe 150 miles north. They had brunch and they were going on the wine tours. Then the next day they did some things. It was a Saturday, I think, but on Sunday her friend emailed me and I didn't always check my work email, but I did this day and she said can you call me? And I didn't know Carol that well, but I said okay. So I called her and she gave me the news that Ruth had passed away suddenly at the hotel of a heart attack, and that was shocking. That was the beginning of a very transitional time for a lot of us. Transitional time for a lot of us, for me, sad time, a challenging time, something that I had never really expected to happen and a catalyst for a lot of change in my life. So I don't necessarily cry about either one of these people leaving this earth, but I recognize the time that I spent with them and I recognize the loss.

If you're a regular listener to the Only Child Diaries podcast, you know that last March we lost our horse, dallas, suddenly on March 17th. This is an anniversary that I'm really dreading. I've already had some emotional times dealing with that. I get angry, I get sad. I've mostly gotten through the last year by not thinking about him. It's really painful to think about him and at some points it feels like it was just the 23 years that I had him was just a dream. I still have his photo on my phone, my lock screen, so every time I open up my phone he's there. I wouldn't have it any other way. He's always in my heart, but I don't. I don't know when I'll ever get over that.

I'm hoping that after this one-year anniversary that I'll feel better about it. Maybe I don't know if you can ever feel better about it. You know there's some people and there's some animals and there's some losses that you have in your life that are harder to get over than others, right, and this is one of them. And one of those losses for me was my first rabbit, hoover. He passed away. I think it was 2008. That was a long time ago and I can think about him now with a smile. I can laugh, I can talk about him without getting sad. I can recognize the fact that I'm happy that I had him.

But it took a while because at first I was devastated. I don't want to think about it too much because I don't want to go to that place. But for me, go to that place. But for me, dallas, 23 years, such a special soul. It's also really hard to even look at any horse or talk about horses or see horses on the TV or in a movie, hear a horse. I mean, part of me would love to go back because I miss being around horses, but it's too hard. It's still too hard right now. So I'm sure at some point I'll have figured out a way to work through that. At some point I'll have figured out a way to work through that. But right now that's where I'm at. So I've got about another week to go.

I actually have planned I'm going to take that day off because it was a Sunday that he passed away and this year it's a Monday, so I'm going to take that day off and I'm going to figure out a way to be productive and spend the day and honor him and honor my memory of him and our relationship and not, you know, fall to pieces. But it's hard, it's hard, it's hard, but still every day is a gift. So I'm not trying to be a bummer, but it's really hard. That's my March. I'll be happy when April comes around this year, but the weather's getting better and I'm happy about that and I love the spring. We've had a lot of rain, so things are growing better. I try to focus on that. And work is busy. I've got a lot of things to do for work, so that's where I'm at work, so that's where I'm at. That is where I'm at.

So, yeah, I'm talking about loss and love and loss and remembrance, and my friend, right after Dallas passed away, my friend gave me a wind chime. After Dallas passed away, my friend gave me a wind chime. It's one of those memorial wind chimes that talks about if you hear the wind, I'm in the wind, or think of me, and so sometimes, when I'm out in the backyard, it'll chime, it'll be windy or it'll be a breeze and it'll chime. Sometimes it won't, but sometimes it does. And every time it does I'll say hi, dallas.

And it's funny because he was my boy and I know he loved me. But there's something about him, that boy, and I know he loved me, but there's something about him that he always acted like a teenage boy. He loved me and he wanted me to dote on him, but at the same time he was like, oh, mom, don't make such a fuss. And so I know he'd be like, oh, come on, I must figure that somehow he's here, he's still here with us in his spirit. But boy, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard. So, anyway, pull myself together. Every day is a gift. I still have my dog, even though she drives me crazy, and I still have my cat, who I love dearly. Yeah, sorry. So anyway, that's all I've got for today.

Next week, hopefully, we'll tackle a happier topic. I can't make any promises, though, and yeah, no promises. But yeah, next week we'll tackle another topic. I'll do my best and I hope you'll join me. If you like this episode, please follow the Only Child Diaries podcast on Apple Podcasts or other platforms you might listen on and consider rating Only Child Diaries and writing a review. It helps others to find us. Please share it with a friend you think might like it as well. Visit my Instagram page Only Child Diaries or Facebook Only Child Diaries podcast. Thanks for listening. I'm Tracy Wallace and these are the Only Child Diaries.