Introducing the Only Child Diaries

Tracy 0:00

This week . I'm talking about the aftermath of a passing , the passing of my friend Neliya , and I will be talking , although not terribly in graphic detail , but I will be talking about the process of cremation in very general terms . I will also be adding humor to the situation , but for those of you that might be sensitive in this regard , I just want to tell you up front Welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast . I'm your host , tracy Wallace . Have you ever felt like you didn't receive the how-to brochure on life , that you didn't get enough guidance about major life issues ? So did I . You don't have to be an only child to feel this way . In my podcast , we'll explore some of the best ways to better navigate adulting , while doing so with humor and light . Welcome everyone to the Only Child Diaries podcast .

Losing Nelia and Waiting for Cremation

Tracy 1:18

Today I'm going to talk about some things that happened this week and tell you why . One of my favorite phrases is no good deed goes unpunished . That phrase seems to come up in my life . It's a theme often , but as you know if you're a regular listener . Well , about a month ago I lost a friend of mine and a friend's mother . She was both . She was first a friend's mother and then she became my friend Neliya . She passed away on June 29th and this past week was her cremation . Now , if you're a little bit hesitant about listening to details about this , you might want to pass this part by . I'm not going to get too graphic , but I just want to be sensitive to some of you that might not want to hear some of the details . Again , I won't get too graphic , but here in LA County , and probably everywhere , you have to wait for a permit to cremate . It's based on , I guess , the death certificate , which we still don't have , but it does come from the county and it has some relationship to the death certificate . So we had to wait for that . And so there it was almost four weeks since she passed . And another part of it was that her daughter wanted to do what is called a witness cremation , where you're there when the cremation takes place , at least in the beginning , or that you witness the whole thing , necessarily . But you're there at the beginning of the process .

Tracy 3:31

And I'm not sure how she found out about this . I feel like I was the one that told her , but she had mentioned that somebody else had told her . I found out about it because when my dad passed away it was something that the counselor at the cemetery told myself and my husband . My dad had made his prearrangements and he had detailed out everything that he wanted , including to be scattered at sea . We still have his ashes here , because part of his arrangements were that he just wanted his ashes to be taken out on a boat with everyone else's ashes and scattered in a group , and I wanted to do that myself . However , when I got his ashes back , I wasn't quite ready to let go , and so dad is here in the house , as is my mom . My mom did not make her arrangements , so she got the same treatment , if you will , as my dad . That seemed only fitting , so they're both in what used to be their bedroom .

My Parents' Cremation Experiences

Tracy 5:19

So what happened with my dad was that my husband and I went into a room where my dad was in a cardboard box , much the shape of a casket , and the box was closed , and the box was closed , and then they asked if the man that there was one man that was there . He asked if we wanted to look and I said no , I didn't . But my husband did and he looked and he said oh , honey , you should really . I just I stepped away , I stepped to the far side of the room because I didn't really know what to expect , and he said you should come and look . And I did . I wandered over and I was very grateful that I did , because my dad looked great . They had done a great job with him . He looked just like he did in life . He looked peaceful , he looked like he was just asleep , and so that was a great visual for both of us to leave with . We weren't allowed to see him past that point .

Tracy 6:31

You can hear the retorts working . There's usually three of them , sometimes there's more , sometimes I don't know . I haven't been everywhere in the world , but in that case there were three and they're quite noisy . For whatever reason . They were covered by doors and artistically it was very nice because they had stained glass on the windows and the doors were . I think the doors looked like they were wooden doors . It just looked like paneling . I guess that's what I'm trying to say .

Tracy 7:17

So when my mom passed away , we did the same thing , but we weren't at the same cemetery cemetery and it was during COVID and she had been there longer than my dad and she was with a different funeral home and they didn't necessarily do as good of a job on her . She looked like herself , but she definitely looked like she was deceased . I guess that's what I can say . It didn't scare me or anything , but it was what it was . They had told me that and I guess I wish I had known this with my dad that you could put a letter or something , flowers or pictures or whatever in the box with them . So I did write my mom a letter , which , again , if you're a regular listener , you know I had a complicated relationship with my mom . So I sat down and I wrote a letter to her to put in . I put in a camellia bloom from one of our bushes that was in the backyard . It was blooming at that time . It was blooming at that time , so I snipped that and took it with me .

Tracy 8:45

She also loved See's Candy . So I had a box here and I put a couple of pieces in because I didn't want to burn up a whole box , a whole pound box . Forgive me , mom , but let's be realistic . I took a couple pieces in the box and I put the box with her because she always loved her See's Candy . She was wearing her clothes . Dad was swaddled in a gauze sheet , mom was in her clothes .

Tracy 9:22

Anyway , we went this week and I went with my friend . She wasn't sure if she wanted to look at her mom , which I totally understood . That's not something , that's for everyone and I didn't have a problem At least I said I didn't have a problem looking . I was unsure how this was really going to go , though . I mean , let's be honest , you never know what you're going to get . It had been four weeks , so I called the mortuary the day before and I asked the gal who I had gone with her . I asked how's she looking ? I'm supposed to be the one to look , and she said well , I don't know what she looked like in life , but she might look different .

Tracy 10:24

They said they couldn't dress her because her skin was fragile , and I'll admit that I'm not . I guess I kind of surprised myself , because death is something that for me , is a little scary . I mean , if we're going to be honest , right , death is a little intimidating because you don't know what you're going to get . You don't know what's going to happen . You don't know how it's going to , not . So I wasn't sure if this was . I didn't want to be freaked out either . Of course I want to be strong . I've seen dead people . I've watched people pass away but I don't want to be terrorized or freaked out , but I want to be strong . But anyway , she told me that they couldn't dress her mom because her skin was too fragile .

Tracy 11:37

And I've seen this gal on Facebook I guess she's probably on Instagram too Lauren the Mortician , and she's a trip because she's probably I'm guessing she's probably in her 30s . She's kind of hip , I guess . Is

My Embarrassing Cemetery Fall

Tracy 12:00

that the word ? She's blonde . She grew up . Her parents owned or worked at the mortuary . They lived right there , which , come on , I guess you'd be comfortable . She played in the parking lot as a kid . She grew up playing in the hallways of the mortuary . Now she's a mortician . Okay , I mean whatever works for you , but she demystifies some of the aspects of the mortuary world and parts of death and I've learned a lot watching her . She kind of makes some of it funny . People ask her questions and she'll reach out and she'll answer some of those questions on her Facebook reels .

Tracy 12:49

So I've learned that there's a point where sometimes skin is too fragile to deal with , and so this was one of the things that came up when I called the mortuary the day before and they said that they couldn't dress her in the clothes that her daughter picked , and I was worried that that might really upset her daughter . So I said , well , okay , we had a conversation about who's going to tell her and I decided it would be better coming from me . So I called her and I told her and she took it like a champ . That's all I can say . She was very calm . I mean , you know that had the possibility to really run off the rails , but she , she took it . Well , they did swaddle her . So anyway , we met at the mortuary , they put mom in the hearse , we followed her down to this little cemetery where they do the cremations and my check engine light came on .

Tracy 13:59

Now my car . I keep my car . It's used . Sure , it's older , it's old . I'm not going to say it's old , it's older . I forget how old it is . I think it's 10 years old , but people will look at it and go . I thought it was new . I keep it in great shape . This is like the first time that the check engine lights ever come on . Well , okay , it came on one time before , but then it reset itself and it went right off .

Tracy 14:28

So we're on the freeway following the hearse and my check engine light comes on and I'm getting super stressed out about this because it's my car and we're driving like at least 10 miles away and I'm like , oh , for goodness sakes , you know what's going to happen . Is it not going to start ? Are we going to be stuck in a cemetery , which is one of my worst nightmares ? Right , I mean okay , so anyway , we get there , find a parking space . I didn't even think about my car anyway , so at that point .

Tracy 15:05

So we go in and they're trying to get everything set up for us in this weird little I'm not going to say , I'm not going to say the name of it . No one is ever going to know what this place is , because I don't think anyone knows what this place is because it's so obscure . I've lived here my whole life and I've never heard or seen of this cemetery . But just in case , I'm just not going to say anything but the building which held the offices and I guess what they call a chapel , and the retort room and whatever , all made of cinder block . So I mean , at least it's not going to burn down , safe , but I mean , aesthetically it was not very pretty . It must be an old cemetery because they had these very old gravestones big ones , little ones , old ones , leaning ones , big angels , little angels . But they also had new graves because people had left decorations .

Tracy 16:11

Recently the grass was , you know , in parts it had sunken . There were green parts , there were a lot of brown parts . The sprinklers are going off in some parts and the sprinklers were , you know , had obviously needed some work because the sprinklers were not . Some of them were going up where they should have been going across , but I digress . Okay , so they were positioning the hearse .

Tracy 16:46

We parked , we went inside and because this was kind of a long process and a long drive , I said do you have a bathroom ? That was my first mistake If you know me personally , and most of you don't , but if you know me personally , I'll tell you . Now I have to go to the bathroom a lot . It's just a thing with me , it's always been a thing , and as I've gotten older it hasn't necessarily got any better . So they gave me a key , they told me where it was and you had to go from the outside to go into this little room which was like a closet with a toilet , and there were two of them , and what I noticed was is that there's a stair in front of the door , which was a little odd . But what was odder was that I went inside and it's a motion detector light . So I went in and I was peeing and then I was in there maybe all of 30 seconds and the light went off .

Tracy 17:56

And so again , one of my worst nightmares to be in any kind of a mortuary cemetery situation and I'm in the dark , okay , but anyway I moved and then the light went back on . I mean , talk about a short timer , right , I mean give it two minutes or something , but 30 seconds , give me a break . So because there's no sunlight , there's no . I mean it's dark , dark , it's black . What if I was standing ? Anyway , I mean it's dark , dark , it's black . What if I was standing ? Anyway , I move , okay , so finish what I'm doing and wash my hands ,

The Witness Cremation Process

Tracy 18:37

open the door , grab the key , walk out .

Tracy 18:41

Now I'm so careful , let me just say I am so careful because , after having my knees redone and falling on my knees once very badly , I can tell you that , having knee replacements , my knees are very sensitive to any kind of pressure . I don't want to fall . I'm also older and I don't want to fall because falling is bad . I'm so very careful everywhere I go , but I forgot that there was a stair as you're coming in or out of this little stupid room . So I went to just walk out because I thought it was flat and I fell . Went to just walk out because I thought it was flat and I fell , and underneath the stair there there's like a landing . That was a moderate size landing and then there were two more stairs that went down to the driveway and so I fell and because I'm a significant size , and because I'm a significant size , I kept tumbling towards the stairs . I literally thought I was going to roll out onto the driveway and hit my head , which I didn't , but I hit the top stair . I ended up almost upside down , which was wonderful , but I ended up hitting my rib cage on the edge of the top stair .

Tracy 20:21

Now I've fallen a lot . Okay , let me just take that Ouch . Okay . So it was definitely an ouch and it's embarrassing . I've fallen a lot because I used to ride horses . I rode horses for what ? 25 years or something . I fell a lot . I usually fell on soft dirt . When you're riding , you fall on softer in the arena . I hate falling . It's the worst feeling . Well , it's not the worst feeling ever , but it's a bad feeling .

Tracy 21:00

I guess I screamed , because my friend said I screamed and everyone came rushing over the mortician , my friend and these three guys that were working there and I think they were the ones that were helping with her mom's box , right . And so these two guys they're all dressed in black , they've got black shirts on and black pants shirts on and black pants , and big guys too . And so they came rushing over and they picked me up , like I was a feather , which was funny , but anyway and then they're brushing me off because I was wearing all black too , so I had dust and stuff on me . And they're like are you okay ? And I'm like , yeah , I mean , what am I going to say ? I'm there to look at a dead body for my friend and I've just fallen and I think my rib is broken . But I'm just going to be a tough , I'm just going to suck it up . Okay , just going to suck it up . Did I mention no good deed goes unpunished .

Tracy 22:13

So , anyway , onto the business at hand . So we went into this chapel and I said I'm fine and they said do you want some water ? And I said that'd be great . They brought me back this 16 ounce bottle of water that was almost completely frozen , which I thought , okay , what am I going to do with this ? But it turned out good . I just stuck it on my chest , on my rib cage later .

Tracy 22:40

Anyway , we went in and I looked at her mom and I put all the things with her , I put the photos and the letters , I did a card too . I wrote a card to her mom and I just thanked her and I just said all the things that I would say to her if she was there , because it's my loss too . I mean I

Finding Peace Amid Loss

Tracy 23:08

feel bad for losing her . She was part of my life for decades , anyway .

Tracy 23:18

So , yeah , I looked at her and it wasn't , it wasn't scary or gross it um , but she didn't look like herself , she . She looked like someone else . I mean she was her Definitely . I mean I could tell that it was her . She just didn't look like herself . Her skin tone was very dark , like she had gotten a really deep tan . I mean , nelia was already like an olive skin tone , but this was really dark and they had put her favorite lipstick on , but they had put it on like really thick , and so it was really bright and I said , could we just kind of dab that a little bit , kind of tone it down , and then too much of it came off and that was a bad thing , and so part of her lip was exposed and anyway , that's what it is .

Tracy 24:21

So I went out and I and I told , I told her daughter , you know that she didn't look bad . Then she asked me the the really the pivotal question was does she look at peace ? And I went back in and I I couldn't honestly say that she looked at peace . She looked just like she was waiting at the DMV or something . She looked kind of like here I am kind of like here I am , you know . So I told her that and I think she did want to look , but she didn't want to be . She didn't want to have a bad image in her head for the rest of her life , which I totally understand and I totally appreciate , and this is not an easy thing to do for anybody .

Tracy 25:22

So we walked in and she stood at her feet , the side of the box where her feet were , which was closer to the doorway , and so that way the flowers were kind of covering her vision of her head and her head was kind of you know , it was flat anyway , she wasn't propped up so she could kind of see her head , but she couldn't really get the full view and she was able to touch her feet and her legs and that was enough for her . And she was . Obviously she was very upset because it's a tough thing to do and to see , and so that was enough . And then the guys were like you know , we got to , are we done ? They have a schedule to keep and it's very difficult when you have a witness cremation because they have to fit you in to the schedule , they have to keep things moving . So anyway , we were done .

Tracy 26:30

So , as I told her before and I think other people told her too that after this part was over she was going to feel better , she was going to feel more at peace with the whole situation , the whole loss . Sure , she's still going to feel miserable and miss her mom , but she's going to feel better . And it's true she did . She told me . She said I didn't believe you when you said that , but I do , I feel more at peace , and so that's a good thing , right , that's a good thing . We did go out to eat . We went and got some food , which was also good . I was slightly miserable but I wanted to do that for her and then I said I have to go .

Tracy 27:21

I went over to an urgent care and I got an x-ray or two and the good news is good news and bad news . Good news is that my rib is not fractured . I'm good . I'm still in pain because I took a pretty good hit there . It's like somebody punched me in the side . My rib is not fractured .

Tracy 27:45

But the doctor came and told me that on the x-ray they saw that I have this condition . I'm not even going to begin to pronounce it because there's no way I can pronounce it , because there's no way I can't . But it's this thing where he said my lungs at the bottom aren't fully expanding with every breath and I guess sometimes it's caused by when you have surgery and you have anesthesia which I haven't had recently , I haven't had in over two years Other causes . So he said it's mild , you just need to take some deep breaths . Okay , you just need to maybe do some more exercise , some aerobic exercise . It kind of freaked me out a little bit . I looked it up . So it kind of freaked me out a little bit . I looked it up . I didn't really like everything that I saw . So try to go see a doctor about that , get some more information .

Tracy 28:55

I do feel out of breath sometimes , but I've also gained weight because I've been kind of stressed , and when I'm stressed I eat . And they weighed me at urgent care against my wishes , and they weighed me in kilograms , which I was like , oh okay , this is good . But then they converted it on my discharge report so I still found out how much I weighed . So I'm trying . I am trying . I know I need to lose weight because it's ridiculous . I need to be healthy and what else .

Tracy 29:28

And then I went to the car dealership and they couldn't take me . But they said you know , if the car's driving , then you should be okay . They were too busy . It was too late in the day by the time I

Honoring Life's Passing with Dignity

Tracy 29:40

got there . So that's for another day . The weekend , friday and Saturday they're too busy .

Tracy 29:48

In the meantime I hope that wasn't too traumatic for those of you that listened . I know it's a lot to take in , but I think overall it wasn't necessarily a bad experience . I was glad that I could be there for my friend and I was glad to be there for her mom , who was my friend , amelia , and I think the thing that you learn through this is that the person really is gone . Learn through this is that the person really is gone . Their spirit is really not there anymore . They're somewhere else .

Tracy 30:38

And really , for us , the part of witnessing this came because when Bill used to work at the barn , there were a lot of horses that were there , and so a lot of horses would pass away , because horses are very fragile and they colic or they break something or something else happens . And so through the course of the years that he worked at the barn , he saw a lot of horses that passed away . And so what happens is that the horse is there barn , he saw a lot of horses that passed away , and so what happens is that the horse is there and somebody comes with a truck and they pick up the horse and take it away to whatever disposition they're going to have , and so he would stay with the horse until the truck came , which is something that not every owner can do until the truck came , which is something that not every owner can do . We did it for Dallas . It was very hard , but we did it because we cared about him and we were already grief-stricken , but we wanted to be there for him , and so Bill saw it as a way to honor and respect that animal and that life and that passing . And so for us , the witness cremation is kind of the same thing . You know , it's one way to kind of take that person's soul and their you know the respect that you have for them and send them on their way . That's what it is . Again , I hope it's not too traumatic .

Tracy 32:09

Next week I hope to have a lighter topic for you . I hope you'll join me If you like this episode . Please follow the Only Child Diaries podcast on Apple Podcasts or other platforms you might listen on and consider rating Only Child Diaries and writing a review . It helps others to find us . Please share it with a friend you think might like it as well . Visit my Instagram page Only Child Diaries or Facebook Only Child Diaries Podcast . Thanks for listening . I'm Tracy Wallace and these are the Only Child Diaries .